She thinks. She says.

a taste of 2011

2011-12-21T13:07:00.001-05:00

no more monkey business allowed!

2011-12-08T12:26:00.003-05:00

Dear Jillian...

Adorably captured on November 23. You tell 'em, Jill!

Love,
Mommy

fun (and not-so-fun) moments

2011-12-07T17:03:00.012-05:00

Dear Jillian…

It’s 2:20, and you’ve finally fallen asleep for your afternoon nap.

(Still love to watch you sleep...)

No more crawling like a critter under the computer desk and through my legs. No more incessant pleas of “hellllp” to cut up your wooden, green pepper. No more turning on the Vornado aimed directly at me on this chilly 36 degree day.

Your vigor and verve are VERY adorable, but not all the time. And not for an hour straight.

Your nap time is mommy’s break time. And I am fully soaking up this quietude to write a letter jam-packed with all the fun (and not-so-fun) moments we’ve shared these past few weeks.

Let’s first back up to mid-November, when leaves blanketed our lawn, but the weather was still pleasantly placid. We ventured to Monkey Joe’s, a fun-filled inflatable play center. This was your second visit to this arena with the first time being less than successful, due to your nervous-Nelly nature. With exposure to FMC’s Fall Fest bounce house a month earlier, you were quite prepared for this collection of bounce houses. And while growing a bit taller would behoove you for climbing, you made mighty fine work of daddy’s ‘lift and push’ to tackle those hard-to-reach places. We had a fantastic time and, of course, you threw a fit when it was time to go. Parents = stoppers of fun. Wah wah.

The following week deemed to be a busy one with Thanksgiving and activities the day after. We hosted my cousin, Dan, and his family for dinner Thursday evening. Daddy tended to the turkey and delivered a tasty bird to feast on. We delighted in fixings such as pumpkin bisque, rosemary bread with sea salt, harvest grain bread, mixed greens with candied nuts, stuffing, green bean casserole (your new favorite phrase), roasted potatoes with carrots, pumpkin swirl cake, mint chocolate squares, sparkling cider, and wine (for those less pregnant than I). Simply delectable…and we’re still eating leftovers.

For Black Friday, we decided to NOT go shopping. Oh wait…we’re not into this Day After Thanksgiving tradition anyway. Hence, we had plenty of time to cruise down southwest of Indy to Bloomington, home of the cream and crimson. We visited IU, and while neither daddy nor I are avid Hoosier fans, the campus was scenic and serene and splendid. I can now fully attest the notion that this campus is indeed beautiful. (And now we've seen the Showalter fountain that everyone asks us about!) The weather was absolutely gorgeous making our nearly 3-hour trek around the town even more enjoyable.

After a rest period back at home, we ventured to the Circle of Lights extravaganza in downtown Indy. Floods of folks flocked around the Indiana Soldiers and Sailors Monument to watch over 4,500 colored lights come to life. Since this was our first visit to the event, we didn’t know what to expect. But we plopped ourselves on a grassy patch in front of the Christ Church Cathedral and enjoyed the view.

Yes, it was all a wonderful time, but we had no idea how a wicked incident would further shake up the next week.

On Thanksgiving night, I attempted to lift you up in the process of getting ready for bedtime. Unknowingly, your feet got hooked under the sofa’s armrest, and you didn’t budge as I tried to heave you upward. First mistake. I immediately felt a muscle pull in my lower back, but managed to hoist you onto my hip and carry you upstairs. The following day, I felt the strain. I walked a little slower than usual and changed positions a little more gingerly, but my mobility was intact. I was just a slow-poke preggo.

I was put on-call for work come Monday, which was a blessing in disguise. My back was more tender than I anticipated, and the thought of working 12 hours straight with a dull, achy backside was less than appealing. Next comes Tuesday, with you at daycare to provide a smooth transition between me and my various appointments. “Perhaps I should try and vacuum while I have the house to myself,” I bargain. Second mistake.

By the time I neared the last few steps down on the staircase with the vacuum, my back was throbbing. Seeing the swirling tornados of Caesar’s hair tufts fueled me to ignore the searing discomfort and chug along with vacuum in hand. With a dentist appointment next on the to-do list, I finished the main level and headed out into the rainy, dreary day.

While in the dentist chair, the hygienist was chipper and chomping at the bit to ask me all about my pregnancy. As she lowered the chair into its horizontal position, my back seized and locked in agony. It was all I could do to curb a blood-curdling scream. She instantly noted the grimace on my face, her eyes spewing worry, but as soon as I was supine and in the slightest Trendelenburg position, my tension eased. Throughout the exam, she often asked how I was doing, and all I could muster was, “I’m okay.” (In the back of my mind, I’m thinking, “If you put me into labor, lady, you’re going down!” (And the only reason I’m thinking this, by the way, is because I went into labor with you on the same day as a dentist appointment in November two years ago.)

I survived the dental inspection, but not without phoning daddy afterwards in the car and leaving a long-winded, on-the-brink-of-tears message. Onto the next appointment, but not without grabbing a bite to eat. Oh, how that turned out to be, you guessed it…third mistake.

My haircut at Aveda was in forty-five minutes. Plenty of time to spare, right? Oy. Once I sank heavily into a bench with my toasty warm, jalapeno, Auntie Anne’s pretzel, I should’ve been in heaven already, right? Oy. I couldn’t call my OB’s office fast enough to reschedule my Thursday appointment for tomorrow. “The soonest available. Puh-lease!” No, this back pain was not going away. It was getting worse by the minute. Wouldn’t you know it…eating my trusted carbs and drowning it with a hefty cup o' water was putting me on the necessary road to a restroom. Lovely.

But. Oh. My. Word.

I could barely walk. I was a snail. A pregnant snail avoiding onlookers wondering if I was going to a) shuffle along any slower, b) pass out, or c) have a baby right then and there.

Long story short? I don’t know how I managed to get through my haircut. Or why I even decided it was worth it to stick around. My eyes cracked open the waterworks once my sloppy, rain-soaked self crawled into the driver’s seat in the mall parking lot. Phone call #2 to daddy. With an appointment to meet him downtown at your daycare within the hour, I realized the impossibility of this due to my current state of unhinged, maddening pain. Again, I left a nearly breathless message and drove home.

Back at home, reclined on the sofa in a motionless side-lying position, I tried to focus on my fear.

{{Was I in labor?}}

The painful back labor I endured with you, m’dear, felt all too similar to this sharp, throbbing pain plaguing my lower backside. And in my frenzied state-of-mind, it was too difficult to tell the difference. After phoning daddy at least 5 more times, he finally returned my phone call, heard the L-word, and hurried home.

Another long story short? It wasn’t labor. Even though I landed us in the hospital for a couple hours, I was relieved that baby was well and wouldn’t be making an appearance at 32 weeks. My pain, however, was unrelieved. By Vicodin (Obtained by my triage visit). By Dilaudid and Flexeril. (Obtained by my OB visit.) Even by just resting. My pain, apparently, was from back spasms or cramps. And these spasms, apparently, could happen even when I was stick still. Wow, I had really outdone myself. Back labor was beginning to feel like a piece of cake compared to this distress. Speaking of cake, I didn’t have any cake on my birthday, but I suffered at least 20 back spasms that day. Happy F&@K!#G birthday! (Please pardon my extreme distaste for back spasms, in general, on a supposedly festive day.)

Here I am…nearly two weeks after it all started. And I survived. You survived. Daddy survived. Your daddy did more than survive; he excelled at daddyhood. He wins the Father of the Year award for taking such good care of you and I. And despite the future, inevitable, not-so-fun times together, I hope I can look back on this one day, share a jolly laugh (maybe), and be grateful that we have each other to carry us through our hardships.

(Father of the Year and moi on December 3)

For now, I’m just glad to be able to hold you again. Carefully, of course. ;)

Love,
Mommy

2!

2011-11-17T21:36:00.005-05:00

Dear Jillian...

A week ago, you - our terrific tot - turned 2! Cheers to this next year!

Cupcake-eating champion!!

Shyly singing "Happy birthday to you..." Sweetness at its best!

Just more proof that you're growing up...

We love you,
Mama & Daddy

pumpkin

2011-11-01T14:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Oh, what fun we had last night, gallivanting around the neighborhood, with you in festive costume and trick-or-treating spirit. This Halloween was your first time to dress up and go door-to-door exuding charm and cutie pie-ness. I can’t count how many folks ooohed and ahhhed at your petite, pumpkin outfit. The best part is when they spotted your shoe coverings as you trotted off. Somehow, that completed the look!

I can’t fib by saying it was all frolicking fun. Some things that kept you on your toes included: a 3-foot, scary spider hanging by one’s door; a sidewalk lit with glowing, skeletal hands; a prankster’s live hand in the candy box; a gentleman’s startling mask; and a skull-topped ghost on a light post. We hope these various spooky elements don’t dampen your anticipation for next year’s Halloween outing. I’m sure it won’t though as I’ve never seen you so quick to knock on a door and take a handful of candy without a second thought. You’ve become a trick-or-treating pro!

Since daddy and I are not ones to give you much candy, we eased you into your saccharine consumption. A fun-size bag of Skittles and M&M’s sealed the deal for a night worthy of all your hard work.

And while we plan to give you some treats every now and then, I’m sure pregnant mommy’s sweet tooth will be working extra hard to share with you and not use the excuse, “Oh, baby would love this [insert candy here.] ;)

Can’t wait ‘til next year, pumpkin…

Love,
Mommy

ZooBoo

2011-10-24T22:05:00.001-04:00

Dear Jillian…

What do a pumpkin and monkey have in common? They are best buds…in this case. You and Maisie fearlessly trotted the walkways of the zoo on Sunday afternoon amidst ghosts, goblins, and ghouls. ZooBoo was a hit! And how adorable were you two?! Take a look…

Love,
Mommy

Octoberfest

2011-10-24T22:03:00.001-04:00

Dear Jillian…

This past weekend was jam-packed with activity for us all. You even spent time with your best gal-pal, Maisie, two days in a row. What a treat!

Octoberfest took place at the Showalter abode on Saturday night. It was a simply perfect evening weather-wise, and the company and food couldn’t have been more superb. I guess I had so much fun that I forgot to take pictures during the event itself. But here’s a look pre-party…

(That darn, fake spider frightened you to tears the night before. Thankfully, you watched Maisie touch it without any inhibition the following night and earned some points in bravery by doing so yourself. Bravo!)

Love,
Mommy

superball

2011-10-24T21:59:00.002-04:00

Dear Jillian…

I couldn’t just let October slip by without a single letter to you. Off and on today, I’ve steadily crafted video montages and picture collages to capture the memories of this festive, fall month. Needless to say, it has made my heart happy to scroll through your pig-tailed and pumpkin-sporting photos.

Mid-month, we ventured to our church’s Fall Festival. The highlight for you? The Bounce House, of course! You could not have exuberated more glee and gusto during your personal jumping jamboree.

It goes without saying that you also enjoyed a high-flying time, swinging on daddy’s lap in the loving clutches of his arms...

Love,
Mommy

beyond this Earth and into the Heavens

2011-09-19T14:50:00.001-04:00

Dear Jillian…

A dear person to mommy’s heart passed away this past Friday. Your great-grandpa Stuckey’s life now extends beyond this Earth and into the Heavens. You watched me cry Friday evening, not understanding why or what to do. And I wish for you to not feel as I do, but I know that one day Death will take away someone you love. I can only hope to be there for you. Hug you. Kiss you. Comfort you.

Little did you know that you were able to comfort me, too. Just looking into my eyes. Resting your head on my knees. Smiling my hurt away. You may never fully grasp what a magnificent man my grandfather was, but I will not miss an opportunity to share stories and photos of his time together with us.

I will miss Grandpa’s blue eyes, but I’m grateful your eyes remind me of his. I will miss his warm hugs, but I hope to hug you and others just as lovingly as he did. I will miss his steadfast prayers to ‘Guide us throughout this day’, but our daily prayers will carry on that adage. I will miss him, but I’m assured he will always be with us.

This is my tribute to your great-grandfather and his unconditional love for you. For me.

For all of us…

Love,
Mommy

diaper digger

2011-09-06T13:27:00.007-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Sometimes, you make me want to yank my hair out. Sometimes, you make me want to yell my lungs out. Sometimes, you make me want to yawn my lethargy out. But you always make me want to yield, take a few deep breaths, and realize how lucky I am to have you as my daughter.

Amidst all the times I can be frustrated with you and your almost-two-year-old antics, your playful smile wins me over nearly every time. Grandpa & Grandma Showalter are just smitten with you and your playful smile, too, as evidenced by our time up north over Labor Day weekend.

We arrived just before 9pm on Friday night, welcomed by a hearty dinner complete with sparkling apple juice for mommy’s tum tum. The next morning, a trip to some local farms stocked the grocery bags with fresh produce and flowers. One of the markets we visited boasted a petting farm with goats, ponies, donkeys, and cows. You were not keen on getting too close, but eyed the rest of us as we patted and stroked the nuzzling animals.

For the afternoon, daddy and I trekked off to the 1st home Michigan football game of the season. Warm, sultry sunrays sizzled the backs of our necks as we cheered on the Wolverines to a halftime lead.

Parched with thirst, we headed to the lower deck in search of some beverages. Between a toilet stop and an unsuccessful hunt for some lemon ice, we just managed to squeeze under an overhang while waiting in line for Coca-Colas. Big, juicy raindrops tumbled from the sky, and at one point, we gazed at the sheet of rain drenching fans going to and fro. With the threat of further rain, we heard grumbles from fans deciding to exit early, but daddy and I decided to stay. The rainstorm ended, and the sun peeked through windows of rolling clouds. We enjoyed some fast and furious MI football as they extended the lead in the 3rd quarter…but not without the raindrops plunking down once again. Daddy and I retreated to the upper level to walk under shelter where we ran into none other than…Dan Lanctot! (This was daddy’s 4-year roomie in college.) We chatted with Dan and his family before we decided it was time to venture into the thunderstorm to make our way home. The rain unleashed just a block away from the car, and unfortunately, Grandpa Hollis’ socks and such became soaked, too, as he ran to meet us at the car. Whew! Nothing like a cold drizzle to change the weather for the day!

Our plans to dine out changed midway through the drive that evening as lightening sparkled against the black sky. A cozy homemade dinner hit the spot, as did the slices of pie-licious goodness we devoured later on.

Sunday morning was easy, breezy, and sneezy (at least for me.) We had the windows open during the night to let the cool night air waft through the house. Needless to say, the allergens accompanied the coolness and settled not-so-nicely into my nasal passages. Blech!

At church, I ran into another acquaintance—Josh Suderman. He attended high school with me, and he knew who I was just as quickly as I recognized him. We conversed after the service, exchanging introductions of family members and professions. With only two years left of medical school for him, I bragged about Indy as a future hot spot for work to which his intrigue already manifested. Hey, at least he’d know someone here, and his daughter is just two months younger than you, Miss J!

Our next stop was Mudpuddles in Kerrytown. Grandma Marty wanted you to have a test run on a Glider Rider. While you did your best, you weren’t quite ready to control this type of bike. In a few months, who knows?! Christmas time may be glider time!

At Leland’s new condo, we feasted on summer fixins’ before lazing in the living room to watch you, my lil’ drummer. You gleefully pounded away on Leland’s oversized drum until naptime.

Tucked into the guest room, you finally fell asleep while the rest of us lounged. After nearly two hours, daddy approached your room to wake you up. Enter in the smell, and then, the unsightly evidence. Shame on you, Miss J. You are a bona fide Diaper Digger! Grrrrrr. This is neither the first time this has happened nor will it probably be the last…but nothing irks mommy and daddy more than when you fling your excrement around the room. Gee Are Oh Double Ess. GROSS! Needless to say, we scooped your poop into a towel and stripped you down to a fresh diaper. Bath #2, coming your way!

An evening dinner at Shalimar Indian restaurant in downtown Ann Arbor ended what was, for the most part, a splendid day. I withdrew to the bedroom soon after arriving back home due to my sniffling sinuses and heavy headache. This poor mommy was letting those crummy allergens get the best of me.

Labor Day was rather uneventful. I slumbered most of the day, even during the 4-hour drive back to Indy. I tucked you into bed soon after 7pm while I slipped under covers at 8pm. And it was mostly a sleepless night, despite the Tylenol and Benadryl bedtime cocktail. Alas, my bleary, weary body is home today, voiding work and wakefulness to welcome respite and restfulness.

My gratitude to all for a wonderful weekend! But now I’m off to Dreamland for the afternoon….

Love,
“Under the weather” Mommy

next lil' peanut

2011-08-30T10:48:00.005-04:00

Dear Jillian…

This morning, the sun’s beams cascade through a window, splashing onto the floor. A breeze slips through an open doorway with a pup peering behind the glass. Echoes of giggles and beanbag rustling drift up the staircase. This is the morning scene as I plant myself before the glowing box and clicking keys to script another letter to you. I am beyond ready for autumn to arrive, and today’s outlook is a beautiful reminder of what’s to come. Soon, the leaves will be swinging and swaying down to the ground, providing ample space for the sunlight to flood our home. Soon, we can freely leave the door open to welcome the brisk air, and Caesar can spy all the bustle of the neighborhood. Soon, the fall season will be upon us, complete with simmering soups, fan-cheering football, and cozy cardigans. Have I mentioned how ready I am?

I am also ready to be at the halfway mark of carrying your baby brother or sister to the due date. Due date, schmoo date. You entered this world almost 4 weeks early so I have no idea what to expect for this next lil’ peanut. A healthy pregnancy and baby are on the wish list, for sure! As for whether the baby is a brother or sister to you, it will remain unbeknownst to us until the arrival day. And the surprise will be well worth it!

I ordered some pants upon a recommendation of a patient I cared for, as she was already donning them. They’re made of bamboo and look ultra comfy, which means they will probably become part of my daily wardrobe. Oh, the joy of gaining weight. Why not be absolutely comfortable while housing a special someone?! Please come soon, dear pants. My belly is expanding beyond my control!

And I’ve talked about the baby in my belly with you. I point to my tummy and exclaim, “There’s a baby in here! You’re going to be a big sister.” And to this, you continue to kick (I mean, bestow “love pats”) to my mid-region while I give you a diaper change. I can see how much this future sibling means to you.

With our family increasing in size, daddy and I have steadily been engaged in room configuration plans and seeking out a bed maker. That’s right—in our nine years of marriage, we have never owned a bed frame, and now seems like the perfect time to have a custom bed made. Hmmmm. With a baby on the way and needing to shuffle furniture into different rooms, yes…perfect timing. I kid you, but hey, I’m excited that we’ve found someone to make our unique bed. Perhaps we can really start concentrating on creating our bedroom into an oasis since, right now, it’s my least favorite room in the house. Step by step, it will come around one day, and I’ll be happy to spend time there other than snoooooozing.

For now, I get to focus on making your new bedroom into a little girl’s oasis. Oh, the possibilities…

Love,
Mommy

A father-daughter duo...

I just want to smooch that big, ol' belly...

Your best senior-high girlfriends. Now they're off to college...

Your new, sparkly baby cons...

Adoring you in your cush spot...

birthday boy

2011-08-15T10:45:00.007-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Yesterday was your beloved daddy’s birthday. The big 3-1! He ended up surprising ME with the dinner plans and kept me guessing ‘til the end. But once the MINI rounded the corner towards the Eagle Creek Reservoir, suspense unveiled the secret. Yay! Rick’s Café Boatyard was on the horizon, set against a beautifully glowing sun and sparkling waters. What a perfect setting to celebrate an evening with someone dear to us both. My love. Your daddy.

With a feast of steak (for the birthday boy) and crab cakes, dessert was out of the question by the time dinner ended. Both of us began slithering into a food-induced coma, sinking lower and lower into the window-side booth. I thought for sure that daddy would need to unbutton his pants, but we managed to escape with all buttons and clothing fully secured. Taking a stroll down to the waterside gazebo, we enjoyed the view, making us feel as if the city were miles upon miles away. Nothing like a great span of water in the countryside to do just that!

Heading back home, I was still bothered by the lack of dessert for the evening. And not for me—for HIM! How can one celebrate a birthday without indulging the sweet tooth?! Because we could not even fit a wafer-thin bite of sweetness into our engorged bellies (ahem… mine more so!), daddy decided a trip to The Flying Cupcake later this week would satisfy all parties, including you! Hence, daddy will have some birthday sugar, even if it is 48 hours later.

It’s a happy ending after all…

Love,
Mommy

(click photos to enlarge)

sizzling hot

2011-08-03T11:13:00.001-04:00

Dear Jillian…

It’s been nearly two weeks since our expedition to the Heartland. Good ol’ Kansas welcomed us home with blazing temperatures and a dry, dusty wind. ‘Twas just as I remembered the summers to be. Sweltering. Scorching. Sizzling hot.

Despite the weather, your reunion with the cousins was remarkably fun. Daddy and I joyfully watched the three of you intermingle and become best buds by the time we departed. Some of our memorable times included a Langosta Roja outing, a date night for mommies and daddies followed by a late-night ice cream run for the kiddos, Harry Potter in 3D IMAX brilliance, splashtastic excitement at water parks, and simply lounging around watching you go-go-goers.

This video captures some snippets of our moments together. I couldn’t ask for a more devoted, supportive, beautiful family. And you are one lucky gal to be included in this circle of love…

Love,
Mommy

moments revisited

2011-07-11T15:49:00.006-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Pittsburgh moments revisited to feed mommy's nostalgia...

My good ol' friends from Hesston, Tonya & Jodi

Dada & Mama showcasing fabulous college support via pins...

Reunion! Pleased to introduce you to our Uncle Stu and Aunt Shirley, Cousin Kate and hubby Nik...

Giant sunglasses on you were a hit!

Your future mentor and mama's "lil' sister"! ;)

Love,
Mama

Jillian's world in a week

2011-07-11T15:09:00.003-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Last week already feels like a lifetime ago. Last week flooded us all with emotions and excitement and energy! Last week took place in Steeler nation. (You're welcome for that reference, Grandpa Ted!)

17 youth.
5 sponsors.
And you.

This video is for you. For you are loved. Although I snapped a candid photo or two of you, none of these pics are from me. They are all created by the gals you esteem. The gals that hold your hand and capture your curiosity.

The gals that have watched you grow up before their very eyes...

Love,
Mama

P.S. Mama's Aunt Shirley provided my favorite photo of you at Six Penn in downtown Pittsburgh. The green-topped cup made it home with us, too!

P.P.S. Wow! Can you count how many pics have you holding your beloved sippy? :)

kindness of a stranger

2011-06-28T10:57:00.004-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Yesterday was a completely rotten day, at least to begin with. I had various errands to accomplish so with you in tote, we set off for Penzeys Spices. Happily exiting with my cumin, bay leaves, and sweet/hot curry powders, we stroll out to the Maz. I buckle you into the car seat and absentmindedly close the door with my keys tucked in the inner door handle. Loading the stroller into the back, I close the trunk just as I hear a click click. GASP! What have I done?!? An expletive heard ‘round the world rolls off my tongue.

There you are with my keys in your hands. There I am, locked out.

I scurry around to each door, tugging in vain attempts to magically open the doors. I bounce back to your window, pounding and shouting, “Hit the button! Hit the button!” Your knobby, little finger is hovering over the unlock button, but…

You. Don't. Move.

You gawk at me with utter confusion, probably wondering why I am yelling and thrusting my fists upon the window. Your gaze doesn't budge, even as your fingers gingerly graze the Maz’s key fob. And suddenly, you switch to inspect the MINI’s fob.

I. Lose. It.

Tears start streaming down my face. Three middle-age bystanders near the spice store just stare amidst scattered chuckles. REALLY?!? This is comical to you that a daughter is trapped inside a car and her mother can’t rescue her? Really, folks?!

Just as my hysteria begins to fume, a man hops out of his mini-van and rushes to my side. I unleash more tears, realizing how stupid I must look. He notes that the initial panic on my face says it all, and he has to help. Thank God for the kindness of a stranger. Questions dart out from his mouth in rapid fire, trying to figure out the best course of action. When I reveal I don't have a mobile phone, he hands his phone to me, saying, "Call whoever you need to." My novice cell phone ability must be somewhat amusing, but he takes it in stride, replying, "It’s okay. I can do this part for you."

I deem a locksmith as the best solution. The gentleman dashes to the spice store in search of a phone book. A few minutes after he leaves, I hear a click. The trunk click. Hallelujah! I quickly heave open the trunk door to release the rear seat lever. Plop!

I. Am. In.

As I crawl into the trunk to unlock the door, you, darling daughter, can't help but push the alarm button sending the horns a’ blaring. It is quite the scene as I’m sprawled out in the trunk to snatch the keys away from you while the car is making a racket due to my thievery nature.

Yes, people, I AM stealing the keys away from my daughter.

The kind man hurries back outside, witnessing first hand that the keys are safely in my clutches again. I sheepishly smile and sigh. He laughs and pats my back. I’m certain this is not the adventure he was planning on today, but he is gracious nonetheless.

A little hero, in my book. He helps me relax AND he is willing to bust a window, if needed. Yes, he mentions this at the end, to which I can't help but laugh.

In light of all the chaos of the moment, I'm mighty thankful for 3 things:
1) A total stranger was unselfishly willing to help me without any hesitation.
2) It wasn’t blistering hot in the car for you.
3) You DIDN’T drop or throw the keys on the floor.

Oh my word. I don’t even want to know how I would’ve reacted had you lobbed the fob…

Love,
Mama

Wayne & Billie

2011-06-24T20:45:00.007-04:00

Dear Jillian...

In May, your great-grandparents welcomed us for a visit. Grandma Sue captured these various photos and videos that highlight everything from the car seat head-bobbing to riding in the golf cart owned by your great-grandpa's sister to waking up with an intense bedhead.

This video is especially for your great-grandparents, Wayne & Billie. With great-grandpa's recent hospitalization, I'm abundantly grateful that he is back home and on the mend. These two people are great loves in my life. And they simply adore you just as much as I adore them...

Love,
Mama/Rach

Showalter fun

2011-06-24T11:44:00.012-04:00

Dear Jillian...

It's Thursday, and the Showalter fun begins at 7:30 in the evening! You were such a cheeser last night, my love.

Scoot, scoot, scooting around on your trike...

Sweet climber o' mine...

Saying something quite important, we think...

Kiddos begging for daddy's food...

Mama and JK!

Love,
Mama

double d

2011-06-24T10:41:00.003-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Two nights ago, I woke up at 3:30 AM with a heavy urge to flee to the bathroom. My little bladder can hardly make it through the night anymore without emptying 1-2 times in the wee morning hours. Usually, I’m a bit piqued and peeved because these nightly bathroom stops make it difficult to fall back asleep. This time, I could not have been happier to wake up.

I experienced the Double D. Yes, I had a Dream, but about what?

Destiny?
Demolition?
Death?

No, I had a Dream about Divorce. Duh duh dum…

In this dreadful dream, daddy wanted to divorce me. I can’t recollect the minutiae of this personal nightmare, but I remember feeling absolutely devastated. In dream world, I still had custody of you, but my thoughts started drowning in the overwhelming notion of raising you on my own with another baby on the way. Trust me. I’ve had a lot of ugly dreams, but this one was the Wicked Witch of Dreamland.

When daddy awoke, I told him of this dream. I quickly realized the fictitious nature of my sad, little reverie. Daddy isn’t going anywhere. We are in this life together for the long run.

Now, as I’ve written this, I’m wondering why I did so. I suppose I just want you to understand that dreams can be a natural part of one’s sleep cycle. Sometimes, dreams are positively amazing, and you’re crushed once you realize what’s happened is simply false. Or dreams are horribly scary. You can’t wait for the moment when a bathroom break or alarm clock jolts you awake. Just ask daddy! He has, what I call, "night terrors". He actually hollers when trapped in a bad dream, and a gentle nudge from yours truly usually does the trick. ;)

And if ever I hear you howling from a daunting dream, I’ll rescue you, too.

Love,
Mama

cheerful

2011-06-20T11:41:00.008-04:00

Dear Jillian...

This is what you looked like when I awoke you from the roaring rain.

Thanks for being so cheerful. ;)

Love,
Mama

the roaring rain

2011-06-20T09:30:00.006-04:00

Dear Jillian…

It is now 9:30 AM, and you are sleeping the morn away. Cracking open the door, I notice the heavy shadows of the space. The thunderstorm rolling along outside tucks the sun away to unleash a valiant pitter-patter to accompany the hungry skyward rumbles. Your little body is curled into the crib’s corner, and not even Caesar’s incessant panting upon your face can stir a twitch from you. I slide the door closed, deciding to let you slumber. Perhaps the roaring rain kept you awake last night. Or perhaps you don’t realize it’s mid-morning due to the blanket of darkness covering your room. Whatever the case, I’m simply enjoying the symphony of the storm, complete with a dim house and the perfect window-seat view.

Who says Mondays have to be dreadful. Today is just quite divine…

Love,
Mama

P.S. - 10:25 AM, and you're still asleep. Perhaps it's time to wake my drowsy dearest...

fifty nifty more things you always wanted to know about your mama

2011-06-18T20:35:00.011-04:00

Dear Jillian...

1. My joints crack easily. I once disturbed my co-workers when my knees cracked with a squat move and my hip popped with a roundhouse kick. I was told to sit down immediately and stay still. :)
2. I think there are certain songs that deserve being played while driving with the sunroof open. Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells is just one of them.
3. I can’t stand when folks toss cig butts out of the window when driving. How to solve? Don’t smoke.
4. I sometimes listen to Ambiance’s Sandy Beach (aka ocean waves) to help fall asleep. It’s pretty magical because the next thing I know, I’m… zzzz.
5. I still like my bangs. I thought I would grow them out again immediately, but they’ve grown on me. (Not literally.)
6. My favorite snack is cheese popcorn. It’s a good thing I don’t have it that often because I would eat the whole bag.
7. I’d drink soy milk over regular milk. It’s more expensive so it’s only saved as a special treat to myself. (Kind of like Grandma Sue treats herself to whole milk for her birthday!)
8. I enjoy taking BodyPump at the JCC. I always want to say, "I am Hans. Und I am Franz. Und ve just vant to pump... (clap) ...YOU UP!"
9. I skipped running Indy’s mini-marathon this year. Good decision, but sorely missed.
10. I hope we host another summer party at our home this year. I’m feeling the need to get my groove on.
11. There’s nothing like hearing you say, “Mama!” It makes my heart smile.
12. I don’t have an iPad, but I want one…or something of that nature. We’ll see if I have one the next time a fifty-nifty list rolls along.
13. My iTouch wallpaper is a favorite photo of you and daddy on the beach. It seems fitting for tomorrow’s Father’s Day.
14. Dancing with you is like dancing without inhibition. It’s how dancing should be.
15. Daddy and I recently celebrated 9 years of marriage together. For our 10 year anniversary, we’ve tossed around the idea of a trip to Hawaii. Quite possibly a parents only trip. Sooorrry!
16. I had the time of my life when we visited Cambodia in March ’11. You were such a hit with the locals, my blue-eyed, blond-haired babe. I’ll start campaigning for Cambodia, March ’13 soon. ;)
17. I abhor sore throats. Too bad I have one at the moment…
18. I’ll miss playing sand volleyball with the crew this summer, but I won’t miss the sandy feet.
19. I love Goldens. Caesar is usually two-steps behind me when we’re home alone. Nothing like a faithful, four-legged friend.
20. When I was younger, I thought I’d go to EMU over GC. I’m glad I changed my mind because I met daddy at GC. Definitely a win-win.
21. I love my job. I really, really do. How many people can say that?!
22. During a Spring Break trip to Texas, I swam in the ocean wearing my underwear and a tee. Feel free to NOT repeat this in 20 years. ;)
23. I received my first ever ticket last year for turning on a red light. I didn’t even see the sign so I was doubly irked.
24. Humidity is not a good combination with my hair. It takes on a frizzy-frizzo life of its own.
25. I think about chopping off all my hair, especially on these sweltering, hot days of late. I just don’t have the guts to do it.
26. Daddy and I spent our last anniversary celebration strolling through Circle Centre between dinner and a movie. And we popped mouth-melting Godiva chocolates into our mouths while doing so.
27. I have $100 (give or take) to spend each month on my personal expenses. Needless to say, I’ve learned how to (((((stretch))))) the ol’ dollar.
28. My iPod shuffle currently has my Bop playlist on it. Bop = energetic, dance-worthy songs.
29. I wish I could write with my left hand. I’ve always admired people that are ambidextrous.
30. During above said Spring Break trip to Texas, my girlfriends and I listened to Liz Phair’s Whitechocolatespaceegg over and over…and over. We knew that CD by heart at the end of the trip.
31. We go to Target on a near weekly basis. Target = mommy’s little slice of bliss for mommies.
32. There are pictures of Haley, Karla, and Abby on your nursery mirror. I hope you never forget these three fabulous ladies that love you.
33. T.G.F.S! (Thank Goodness For Skype!) We chat online once a week with your grandparents so they can watch you grrrrrrroooowwww. It makes living far away from them more bearable.
34. I still love cuddling with you before bedtime, lil’ cuddle muffin.
35. I wish I could try swimming laps as a workout. I know it’d be great for me, and the swim cap and goggles in the drawer aren’t getting any younger.
36. I wake up extra early on work days to take my Synthroid. I probably shouldn’t just so I can extend my sleep, but it’s become a force of habit.
37. I almost always wear earrings. I pierced my ears right before my senior prom in high school, and Grandma Sue didn’t know about it. Rebellion! (Totally kidding, but don’t be sneaky like me.) ;)
38. I’m carrying a little brother or sister for you.
39. While living in Germany for 3 months, my friend and I got piercings: she – a nose ring; I – a bellybutton ring. She still has hers that I know of. I took mine out 5 years later because I already felt too old for it.
40. I want to see Italy one day. Both daddy and I have traveled extensively in Europe, but I have yet to see this beautiful country.
41. Hawaii and Alaska are on the hit list of places to see stateside. Maybe next year… (Fingers crossed!)
42. I can’t wait to see how you’ll react around bugs. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be a squisher instead of a releaser. Sad, I know.
43. If there is a trip to Hawaii, I would NOT scuba dive, but snorkeling would be a must.
44. You are an amazing sleeper. You must take after me because I’m pretty darn good at it, too.
45. I broke a bone in my right hand while playing in the Kansas All-Star volleyball game after my senior year in high school. Now, that’s some serious dedication to the sport!
46. I sometimes think I kiss you and Caesar more than I kiss daddy. I guess it’s just evening out because there was a lot of kissing before you two were around. ;) (And there’s still plenty of kissing between daddy and I—don’t worry.)
47. I’ve been teaching you to ride your new tricycle. You’re stubborn, like me, because you want to do it YOUR way.
48. Your daddy and I share chores around the house. That is DEFINITELY a huge plus! I mean…a guy who does laundry?! That is a gift in itself.
49. Although I don’t wear them much, I really like my glasses. It’s taken many different pairs through the years to be able to say that.
50. Finito! This means I can relax with your daddy and watch a movie while you go to sleep and say, “Nigh nigh.”

Love,
Your Mama

zoo-bee-doo-bee-doo

2011-05-11T14:02:00.012-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Today was magnificently sunny and a perfect day for a zoo excursion. Apparently, every school, parent, and babysitter thought so, too.

Here's a snippet of our time downtown...

Looking over yonder...

Stealing a smile...

A lovely lady offered to take our photo...

Ba-booooooooooon!

{{{{Love}}}} this pic...

Elephants soaking it up on this humid day...

Fell asleep all hot and sweaty...

Finally cooled off and still snoozin'...

And now you're lazing away the day in your crib. What an energy-zapping day indeed!

Love,
Mama

mingling to the music

2011-05-10T21:09:00.004-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Eighteen months old. Wow-za! If I ever thought time passed quickly before, it’s nothing like how it’s been since your birth. And I probably don’t notice it nearly as much as your dear grandparents, only seeing you once a week via Skype. The changes they witness are tenfold, creeping up before they even know it. This is not to say I don’t see your transformation, too. I do, I do, I do.

Your golden locks are curly q-ing at the nape of your neck now, and your bangs welcomed a snippety-snip from yours truly. Your teeth are sprouting here and there, and you enjoy giving your molars a good workout on crunchy, crisp foods. Your legs are moving swiftly, and you adore running circles around the house and again, yours truly. Your verbiage is joyfully animated, and your hands engage in a most lively tête-à-tête at least once a day.

And guess what! You know the motions for the Itsy-Bitsy spider song. When did you learn that?! I was awestruck when I saw your plump, lil’ fingers mingling to the music as I sang. Someone must be doing a superb job at East Street Station. But I never doubted that. ;)

So, here’s to you, love.

My bouncing baby-roo gal. My wonderful 18-month gal. My snuggly hug and kiss gal. My love you to the moon and back gal…

XO,
Mama

Closet stripped of clothes too small and adorned with just-your-size garb...

The lovely ducks swimming in our backyard "pond" that have fancied your attention...

Breakfast for the big girl...

Sweet and sassy you, celebrating 1 ½ years!

"mini" panic attack

2011-05-06T11:46:00.019-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Tomorrow calls for rain showers. Perhaps I should secretly be happy about this. (But I guess it’s not so secret when I write out this actual phrase now, is it.)

Tomorrow calls for rain showers, and I’m not-so-secretly relieved. Tomorrow is supposed to be my fourth run in Indy’s half-marathon. It’s supposed to be, but it’s not going to be. I have a myriad of mixed feelings regarding my decision to withdraw from the race. I feel like a lazy, giving up, no-good quitter. In high school volleyball, Coach A’s motto for us was, “If it is to be, it’s up to me.” What happened then?

March happened, that’s what. At the beginning of the month, I was still recovering from a respiratory illness plaguing my body with relentless force. A recipe of asthma + sinus infection + fatigue = a body incapable of running, let alone taking a deep breath without having chest throb-ism. My asthma hadn’t overwhelmed me that much since July of 2002 when I was hospitalized for 5 days in Minnesota. Acute bronchitis was the culprit, and an oxygen saturation in the high 70s kept me from even ambulating in the hospital hallways. Needless to say, O2 and nebulizers were my lifesavers back then. My sickness this year didn’t feel close to that time in my life, but it surely drained the energy from this already depleted body. And being a mommy to you was doubly difficult, especially when you developed sniffles of your own. I think we were quite the ailing pair for awhile.

Just as we turned a corner and started to mend, the trip to Asia approached and it was Bon Voyage! Goodbye stateside exercise. And goodbye running. Taking a leisurely jog in Korea or Cambodia was highly unlikely because a) me running with a compass in foreign territory ironically sounds like a good way to get lost and b) running alongside roads covered with motos is enough pollution to send my lungs into another fire attack. No thanks! (And c) it WAS vacation, y'know.)

This brings us to the last week in March. 6 weeks until the Mini, and back to square one. It’s a terrible feeling to reach your zenith in running and then have to start over. My motivation was lackluster and low. I stopped before I even started.

A bit of relief stemmed from talking with a co-worker. Mandy and I shared the exact same feelings regarding the 13.1 miles. If we couldn’t even come close to our personal records, it felt like a failure. I ran my PR when I was 9 weeks pregnant with you (1 hour, 58 minutes, 45 seconds!). How utterly embarrassing to realize I probably couldn’t finish within ten minutes of that mark this time around. It became a competition with myself, and I was losing…fast.

2009: The running crew. (You're in my belly, too!)

Meg & Mom-to-be

Run! Walk!
Who cares?!
It’s such a FUN race!

When even these encouraging efforts couldn’t jumpstart my desire, I knew it was time to fold.

My query of whether to run or not was answered by a co-worker. Christine happened to be looking for a race-day bib. Suddenly, I was selling my ticket and without reservation. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. As odd as it sounds, I felt as if I could exercise freely again, even run. I didn’t have to worry about the looming high-mile weekend run. I didn’t have to worry about running in the pouring rain. I didn’t have to worry because unfortunately, running this race scared me.

With ticket now sold, I’ve started running 3-4 miles again. And lifting weights. And sweating through BodyPump. And collapsing after The Biggest Loser’s Bob Harper whips my bum with strength and callisthenic training. And smiling when I think of adding Pilates, swimming, and Just Dance to the To-Do list. :)

Let’s just say I quit this time. So be it. I’m comfortable with my decision because I got a head start on all the other kinds of exercise I love doing. And my body says, “Thank you.” Thank you for not worrying anymore and simply taking that first step forward. Thank you for making the mind feel energized and alert. Thank you for being your ol’ self again.

And today, I will remember that my body is thanking me, especially when my limbs and core are so very sore...

Love,
Mama

P.S. – Go Christine ~ Have a fun run!

pacifism

2011-05-02T16:57:00.014-04:00

Dear Jillian…

I started blogging when I was a college student at GC. It all started while perusing the World Wide Web, and I discovered people’s prose, opening a window into the intricacies of life and labor and love. In those early days, I scripted poetry and pieces reflecting the minute details of my day. I crafted writings about my young, intimate, new-found love with your daddy in such a way that reading them today brings me back to the moment of first meeting him.

And today, while scrolling through this blog, I uncovered a handful of posts illustrating my desire for peace and non-violence as well as others’ influence on my beliefs. Martin Luther King, Jr. … Gandhi … Mennonites’ faith in pacifism. So, add this letter to the list of mommy's writings on the matter.

August 16, 2001.
December 07, 2001.
March 12, 2003.
January 15, 2007.
September 11, 2008.

And frankly, these short and somewhat diminutive mentions don’t seem to be enough for me. Not after last evening's events.

I had already retreated to bed last night, unaware of what would enormously flood the news networks come morning. At 5AM my phone rings, and I am put on-call for work. Unable to fall back asleep, I drift downstairs for some cereal and CNN. I had no idea about anything when I turned on the news. Call me silly, but this love struck lady was just seeing if there were any updates on the Royal honeymooners. Lo and behold, this was the farthest topic from the news.

<<< Osama Bin Laden is dead. Killed in US raid. Buried at sea. Justice is done. >>>

And then the TV pans to celebrations nationwide. Dancing, cheering, and clapping outside of the White House. Interviews of whooping and hollering folks, proclaiming a just victory. And I just froze, releasing a long and heavy breath.

I felt sick. I felt disheartened. I felt exactly opposite of everyone else, or so it seemed.

I remember seeing the dancing and cheering and clapping nearly 10 years ago. On the other side of the world. The joy on their faces equating to the very joy on these faces. Today. A twisted and crippling joy.

Don’t get me wrong, Jill. My heart goes out to the families and friends of those lost in the 9/11 tragedy. It’s painstakingly clear that life seems unfair at times. But I would hope for any redemption to be soaked in healing peace rather than hellish bloodshed. I can’t even imagine the sorrow, but I also can’t imagine that slaying one man heals all wounds. I can't imagine relishing in anyone's death.

In spite of today’s strangeness and torn feelings, I’ve come across some inspirational words of wisdom. I think sharing them is worth a morsel of goodness, especially on a rainy, gloomy, draining kind-of day.

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

"...if you love your enemies, you will discover that at the very root of love is the power of redemption." – MLK, Jr.

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - MLK, Jr.

"O, beloved reader, our weapons are not swords and spears, but patience, silence and hope..." - Menno Simons

“Nothing is more powerful than beauty in a wicked world.” – Amos Lee

“I'm not going to rejoice in another man's death no matter how horrific and uncalled for his actions were; instead I'm going to pray for the country, pray for our troops, and peace to those who lost loved ones in 9/11.” - Lynnae Bitting (Daughter of mommy's cousin)

“I hope people spend less time gloating over the death of an evil man and more time sending thoughts and support to those impacted by that evil." – Via Facebook user

“Joyfully celebrating the killing of a killer who joyfully celebrated killing carries an irony that I hope will not be lost on us. ... Perhaps everyone is right. Perhaps the death of Osama Bin Laden has made this world more safe. I do not believe, however, that his death has made this world more beautiful. ... As you talk about this news, I hope you will consider how your response can counter rather than reinforce the cycles of violence that spin around us. And please God, help us bring healing beauty to the ugliness of violence in whatever small way we can. Today.” - Excerpts from Brian D. McLaren’s blog.

Just some food for thought…

Love,
Mama

to wed

2011-04-29T01:20:00.013-04:00

Dear Jillian…

August 1997. College life was buzzing with fresh, eager students in a small, quiet town. My dorm room overlooked the campus, the wall-to-wall window framed with trees. Residing atop the 3rd floor, it was as if you could see for miles when it was only to the other side of campus that one could see. And on the 31st, all eyes were on the television rather than the scenic view. All eyes were locked on the horrific images and scrolling news. A fatal car crash in a Parisian tunnel. Three pronounced dead. One Princess Diana.

Gone.

Shock channeled through my veins. I could not unglue my eyes from the tragic screen. I remember thinking, “She was a mother. What about her boys?!” An immediate grief flooded inside. I never knew her, of course, but to just think of the loss to her family. The community. The world.

I possessed an instinctive fascination of her early on during my teenage years. News media uncovered a hapless marriage and inevitable divorce. But it never painted an ugly picture of her. She always appeared charitable and warm. And absolutely beautiful as ever. It was no wonder that Prince William and his brother were crushed. She seemed perfect.

I watched the funeral a few days later. The Princes hanging their heads during the memorial procession was heartbreaking. No child should ever have to lose a mother like that. No one should ever have to lose a love like that. No person should ever have to lose a hero like that.

April 2011. Nearly fourteen years later. Has it been that long, especially when I can trace that night so clearly in my mind?

Today is a special day in that Princess Di’s son, Prince William, is to wed his longtime sweetheart, Kate Middleton, at Westminster Abbey in London, England. The media coverage starts in 3 hours, in which yours truly will try to witness the live event via BBC. It seems a foolish idea, seeing that my eyes are fatigued and heavy already, but once your spunky self is awake, the occasion is way beyond its joie de vivre.

This letter is written to you to share a past, a present, and a future. Princess Di would undoubtedly be proud of her son. This love story and upcoming wedding has woven a world together. And perhaps down the road, you may look up to Kate as I did to Di.

She just may be your hero one day…

Photo ©2011 Mario Testino
Love,
Mama

Easter love

2011-04-24T23:52:00.003-04:00

Dear Jillian…

When I wake up in the mornings, I’m never quite sure how the day is going to be. But today I woke up bright and early with my instincts saying, “It’s going to be a pretty perfect day.” I couldn’t agree more. Today was exceptional, and it all started last Thursday.

While at work, I was talking to a co-worker during lunch when I happened to mention how I would love to have Sunday off of work. I teasingly asked her, “Would you like to work on Sunday?” She smiled sweetly, mouthing nooooo between hints of laughter. The subject ceased for a moment before she piped in, “Would you just want the morning off?”

“Oh, yes,” I nodded. “I’d love to spend Easter with my family at church.” After discussing more details, she offered to let me know by the end of the day.

Within the hour, she agreed to work for me until 2pm, meaning I would only have a 5-hour shift come Sunday. Brimming with gratitude, I couldn’t thank her enough. I’ve never doubted that my co-workers are some of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. And Adrienne has always been one of those people in my eyes.

So, on Sunday morning, I “girlied” myself up for church with freshly fuchsia toenails and pretty primped hair. (And I called it my Easter ‘do when complimented.)

Late night Easter 'do still holding up...

I “girlied” you up as well, complete with a dainty dress, shiny shoes, and purple pin for your blond locks. You looked positively darling. We can’t forget daddy, looking quite debonair in his polished pink shirt with gray vest and pants and German-made specs.

Slip slidin' away...

The Easter church service was lovely as was the following fellowship. I chatted with some girlfriends while you shadowed Miss Georgia, your three-year-old gal pal. I landed a ticket to go to The Lawn and see The Avett Brothers, unbeknownst to me, but wow, am I ever excited to enjoy a ladies’ night with friends in the fall. October 1, you can’t come fast enough!

And we also spent time with Abby Liz. She’s just beautifully fun. Have you noticed how much she adores you? She and I both.

Post lunchtime concert, courtesy of you...

Realizing the spoon may be more fun to eat...

And taking time to practice your counting, which goes: "Two, ???. Two, ???." Hey babe, you got the two part down!

After lunch and a catnap, I landed at work by 2pm, and by golly, the clock read 7pm before I knew it. My patients were wonderfully humorous and remarkably patient, considering the bustle of changing shifts midday. Back at home, you and I Skyped with Grandpa and Grandma Stuckey with an unexpected bonus—Aunt Melody, Uncle Wayne, and Cousin Aubrey sent some Easter love from home, too. You grinned and giggled upon seeing Aubrey and peek-a-booed with Mel as well. Did you save your squishy, scrunchy faces for Grandma? You gave her quite a laugh!

Stuckey Easter in Kansas...

And finally, the last part of our day. Bath time, book time, bed time. A most relished time. One day you will be too old for rocking and reading to sleep. How my heart aches when I think of that day. For now, I just treasure this nighttime ritual to hold you near and dear in my lap of love.

And now we’ve come to tonight. In less than ten minutes, this day will be over. This letter will be finished. This hour will be ending.

But this story will always last through the memories of today…

Love,
Mama

hugs

2011-04-22T16:14:00.002-04:00

Dear Jillian...

This is lovely so I wanted to share it with you.

Hugs,
Mama

sleeping beyond your sorrow

2011-04-21T23:22:00.003-04:00

Dear Jillian…

It’s Thursday night. You’ve been tucked into bed for over two hours now. Faint whimpers just escaped through your bedroom door. But all is quiet at the moment. Per daddy’s report, last night was rough. And I slumbered right through it all. Shame on me.

With some Tylenol and TLC, daddy coaxed you back to sleep. I think teething is the culprit, since you rarely stir during the night hours. And daddy probably couldn’t bear the incessant howls, bellowing from your weary body. I cannot deny that I feel the same way, too. To let you holler, even if it may be the right thing to do, can be torture to a mother’s ear. My ears bleed when you’re saddened and alone, with only the neon hue of your nightlight to cast a comforting glow. And only a blanket and stuffed pup within your reach, to hug and to hold. Staring at the ceiling, wondering if a rescuer will come. Is this how I envision you or is it guilt guiding the scene?

I know I won’t always be able to be with you physically. It’s impossible, and an empty promise if made. But when daddy described his night with you, I felt culpable for not helping. I was not there and yet just down the hall. Just down the hall sleeping. Sleeping beyond your sorrow.

I'm glad daddy was able to wipe your nose and relieve your woes. I'm glad he could be the rescuer of the hour. He's a marvelous man, holding a special spot in his heart just for you. Tears and all...

Love,
Mama

baboon!

2011-04-18T00:41:00.009-04:00

Dear Jillian…

I wish I could say that this past weekend was just fabulous. But I can’t. There happened to be a poor influence on Saturday’s festivities. The culprit? Not you. Nor daddy. Nor even I.

‘Twas Mother Nature. (Duh duh dummmm!)

Back up to Friday night, and you’ll find us trying to exit our very own garage. That sounds simple enough, but not when the car fails to start. An exasperated, “Not again,” seethes through daddy’s lips. The car also acts stubborn earlier at daycare, to which a kind gentleman helped to jumpstart The Maz. Long story short? Nah, the details are what make it frustratingly funny.

Daddy heads out by MINI to pick up some jumper cables. After doing so, he stops to pick up dinner for the road. With hands full, he places his wallet on the rooftop of the car…and drives off forgetting its place on the roof. Midway through the drive, wallet-less daddy panics, realizing his pocket is empty. In a tizzy, he speeds back to the parking lot in time to encounter a woman holding his wallet, moments away from tracking him down via phone. God bless this kind-hearted stranger, for another “pothole in the road” would surely send us over the edge.

Back at home, daddy jumps some life back into The Maz. I protest the thought of leaving in the unpredictable auto, but the objection is short-lived and off we drive, heading south to Louisville. Nearly two hours later, we arrive to the hotel and soon-after, plop ourselves into bed for the short night.

6AM. I hear daddy’s alarm clock ring. 6:15AM. I hear the hotel door close behind daddy as he vacates the room. 6:16AM. I think, “Poor daddy. It’s going to be a long day after such a whirlwind of a night.” And then I pause, remembering what I may be facing; a car that won’t start. 6:17AM. I pray and fall back asleep.

Saturday morning greets us with swollen skies, whipping winds, and rippling rain. Not the ideal forecast for an outdoor soccer tournament with a bevy of chilly girls.

After breakfast, my one hope is plain and simple. Key -> ignition = Va-Va-Vrooom! It’s a stuttering success! And then…I stall The Maz. Scheiße! (And out come the baby earmuffs!)

The Maz. Trusty and faithful. The beast starts up again with no hesitation. I exhale a heavy sigh of relief, knowing it must be some luck and my German expletive. ;)

Arriving at the fields, I cocoon you under a plastic poncho and place you into the backpack carrier. Trudging off to find daddy's game, a handful of “awwwws” escape women’s lips as they note a small, rosy-cheek face bobbing around on my back. Upon spotting daddy, we quickly take shelter underneath the team tent. With you back on the ground, the wind lashes out at my back. The soccer subs shiver beside me, snuggling beneath a blanket. Part of me wants to just jump in the middle of them and their heat pocket. When I realize that the wind and my stationary body are a horrible combination, I decide to venture off with you and try to find Marita’s (MYF gal) game. Two Zionsville games grip my attention, but look as I may, I cannot spot Marita or her immediate family. And your unhappy howls mean the coldness is wearing you down, too.

We bid daddy adieu, knowing that the weather is probably a deal-breaker for the rest of the day. It is back to the hotel on Zorn Avenue. Dreary day: 1. Jillian and mommy: 0.

You and I nibble on lunch and watch an old “Friend” in The Ron Clark Story before snoozing the day away. The evening boasts more fun as we enjoy a Dynamo banquet of pizza and pasta and for me, coveted cake. You savor the sugary sweetness we share with you, too!

Before bedtime, we engage in family playtime and off-the-wall antics, as only Showalter’s do. For example, daddy tries on your size 18-month coat (see picture) and dances with you, introducing you to the sprinkler move (see video). And I just laugh away, knowing these moments make any kind of dull, drab day worth it, just to be together in the end.

Then, with lights out, we watch the vibrant glow of the television, showcasing Thunder over Louisville—a 25-minute extravaganza of fireworks and music. We sneak peeks out of the hotel window, able to see the flashes beyond the horizon. And we sneak back into bed, awaiting a restful night’s sleep.

Same drill for daddy as he quietly exits the room early-morn the next day. ‘Tis a different drill for me as I retreat to the bathroom for some alone time. My crimson-stained undergarment speaks loud and clear. My heart sinks, knowing it is not going to be this time. I bury my head into my hands wondering, “How could I have been so sure?” only to be disappointed again. We'll just have to keep trying.

Though it’s not how I want the day to begin, there is one thing that changes the melancholy morn. The sun and your beaming face. Praise God for this beauty!

We depart from Louisville late-morning after daddy's games without the car giving us too much trouble. Driving down the highway on such a beautiful day prompts an impromptu idea. I read daddy’s mind before he even suggests it. “We should go to the zoo!”

I feel as if this is your first time at the zoo, regardless of all the other times you’ve accompanied us as a babe. This time around it is about engagement and soaking in the environment and voicing your enthusiasm. You even learn a new word rather easily upon your first try. Baboon! Ba-boooooooon! Family fun: 3. Weird weekend: 2

What more can I say? The disastrous start of this weekend away evolves into a delightful ending back in our hometown. What more can I say? There’s just no place like home...

Love,
Mama

I love how the netting of the Pack 'n Play perfectly frames your eye...

Daddy's too-tiny-coat is priceless, along with his too-funny-face!

Snuggle muffin kiss!!

This is too much parental zaniness for you!

fifty nifty things you always wanted to know about your mama

2011-04-14T11:35:00.007-04:00

Dear Jillian...

1. My left knee always pops at some time while driving a stick-shift car. It’s the clutch’s fault.
2. I love driving fast around roundabouts, especially in the MINI. It’s zippy. It's even better when I play the song Roundabout by Yes when doing so.
3. Mommy gets waved at a lot from other MINI drivers when driving the MINI. I’m pretty sure it’s all about the car, not me.
4. I love naps. I consider it to be a hobby.
5. If I could use only one item from my make-up bag, it would be my eyelash curler. And I use a hair dryer to heat it beforehand. It makes the curls last longer.
6. I could eat popcorn every day. I bet I’d feel pretty bloated if I did.
7. I could drink milk every day. Oh wait, I do.
8. I used to bench-press 135 pounds. Just so you know, that’s a lot for an average female. It did impress some high school boys at the gym though.
9. I pretty much always listen to music when I go for a run. If I don’t, I can hear myself breathe (aka pant), which makes me even more tired.
10. I’m an introvert, but the extrovert in me escapes occasionally, especially when I’m dancing at a 80s party.
11. I love being a mom. This is meaningful because I once thought I wouldn’t have any children.
12. I don’t have a cell phone. I’m probably the only mom in Indiana that doesn’t have one.
13. My iTouch is my security blanket. Music + daily planner + random notes = security.
14. I love playing Jack Johnson’s music for you. We can enjoy the melodious magic together.
15. I knew daddy was “the one” after our first date. We ate at the Southside Soda Shop, saw Toy Story, and unknowingly kissed in front of my housemate.
16. I’m often nostalgic for memories of past traveling excursions. I hope you’re able to travel as much as I did growing up.
17. I have hypothyroidism and asthma. Hallelujah--they’re under control!
18. I played volleyball and basketball in high school and college. I received some honors/awards at both levels, which I will brag about more to you when you’re older. ;)
19. I love Caesar wholeheartedly. I will be heartbroken when he passes on to doggy heaven one day.
20. When I was young, I thought I would be an artist and draw like your great-grandpa Howard Eigsti.
21. I think I have the best job in the world. It took me awhile to get there, but all the hard work paid off! (And this pertains to being a nurse AND a mom!)
22. I have cart-wheeled down a mountain in the Swiss Alps. Feel free to repeat this in 20 years.
23. I have never received a speeding ticket. (Knock on wood!)
24. I don’t have any gray hairs yet. (Knock on wood again!)
25. I once received a short, boyish haircut in Paris, France. I was surprised how much I liked it.
26. I’ve had an anniversary picnic with daddy at Crown Point Cemetery in Indianapolis. It sounds weird, I know, but it’s actually one of the most beautiful places in the city.
27. I lost $60 while playing Blackjack in Las Vegas. How sad that it only took 10 minutes.
28. I won an iPod shuffle when I worked at Riley Hospital. It’s been my trusty running companion ever since.
29. I try to write neatly. I just wish I could write neatly fast!
30. I’ve been known to make a lot of mixed tapes/CDs for friends over the years. And perhaps I gift them to myself sometimes, too. ;)
31. Up until a few months ago, I only had one credit card. I then talked daddy into a Target REDcard. Hey, a little bit of saving goes a long way…
32. I’ve become friends with a gal that is 14 years younger than me. She is like the sister I never had. She’s going to be your church mentor one day.
33. I truly have the most supportive, loving parents and in-laws I could ever ask for. You are lucky to have them as grandparents.
34. Holding you in the nursery’s rocking chair that first week after your delivery was my heaven on earth. No doubt.
35. I don’t wash my hair every day. Oops--my secret is out. I don’t workout every day either. (Gasp!)
36. On workdays, I leave for work at 6:30am and leave for home at 7:30pm. This day is a workout in itself.
37. I rarely wear lipstick. It doesn’t look right on me. I prefer tinted chapstick if my lips need a splash of color.
38. Daddy and I are working on giving you a brother or sister. It takes a lot of patience and timing and “trying.”
39. I’m a virgin. A tattoo-virgin, that is. Body ink is not in my future. That’s not to say I haven’t thought about it. But it would’ve only been on my foot.
40. I want to see NYC someday. I used to have a poster of New York City in my childhood bedroom with the plan to make it there one day. I have yet to see that dream come true.
41. I’ve traveled to/through 35 of the 50 states. New Orleans, LA—you’re on my hit list, too.
42. I have a knack for seeing bugs in the house. It’s as if my eye is trained to look at that spot immediately.
43. I don’t think I could scuba dive simply for my fear of sharks. Pretty sad, I know.
44. One of my favorite things about bedtime is slipping under the covers with a good book. Too bad I can’t make it past the first pages of the chapter due to heavy eyelid syndrome!
45. I once broke a canoe on a backpack camping trip in Arkansas. It wrapped around a boulder in the water. That was definitely a first.
46. Giving you kisses is one of my favorite things. Ever.
47. I can’t wait to teach you to ride a bike. But I guess we should attempt the tricycle first.
48. I could never be a statistician. I’m glad your daddy is though.
49. I sometimes wear Sterling Gray contacts, which turn my eyes blue. Blue like you. :)
50. Writing 50 things about myself is more difficult than I thought. I'd love to read a list about you someday!

Love,
Your Mama

another one bites the dust

2011-04-10T17:04:00.008-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Another one bites the dust. (Another month, that is.) You are 17 months old today, and just shy of the halfway mark to 2 years old. Woah! This revelation makes me a bit bleary-eyed, trying to remember how you were at just 12 months old. It seems like a lifetime ago, for you’ve changed in immeasurable ways.

For example, yesterday you played with a babe you had encountered just over 5 months ago. Baby Niels was 5 months, and you were on the brink of turning one year old when you two first met. Now, at this later date, it was as if two different children were playing together. Daddy and I couldn’t count all the ways in which each of you had changed, but it was quite noticeable how different the dynamics and interactions turned out to be. With age comes a certain amount of sustainability and independence, which both of you possessed. Your awareness of each other was considerable, too. It certainly pointed out the need for sharing toys and space, m’dear Jilly. (Wink!)

Here are a few pics of Saturday, plus some other favorites from the week…

Reunited playmates!

Beggin' for Brian's tasties...

Ferocious face!

All eyes on Niels...

Miss Basket Carrier...

Block-playing time...

Block-eating time...

Speedily making laps...

Buds...

Digging out the treasured toys...

16 months going on 2 years old...

(at least it LOOKS like it!) :)

The lastest Hesston College fan...

All smiles...

Kisses for my Jill-bug!

What will this next month bring? Truthfully, I will not count down the days, but I will count on having grrrrrreat memories...

Love,
Mama

Asian adventure: round 2

2011-04-05T14:58:00.003-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Here is the footage I promised.

*

These videos captured the smiley, dancing, squirmy you!

A playscape near the Palace in Phnom Penh provided many a slippin' slide for you!

Spectators enjoyed your personal dance party from the music-thumping rollerskating rink...

While hanging out at a bar watching NCAA hoops, it was impossible not to laugh at your wigglewormantics!

*

These videos captured some Jazzercise, a popular form of exercise in Phnom Penh. All different ages participated in choreographed movements set to traditional Khmer music as well as bass-dropping house music. We gave it a shot, too! While we collected a lot of stares and double-looks, people were all smiles to watch us try our hand (and foot!) at Jazzercise.

The traditional...

The funky...

*

The music of Cambodia seemed to be everywhere! Here are snippets of songs heard along the way at a roadside shrine center, a Palace, and the temples of Angkor Wat.

*

Land and water creatures were easy to spot. Cows, dogs, cats, elephants, monkeys, roosters, chickens, ducks, and fishies were among the observed.

Monkeys at Angkor Wat must be heavily spoiled by humans because they were not afraid of us in the least. And one heartily accepted my lotus plant.

Fish massage tanks were abundant in Siem Reap's main markets. Part of the crew ventured to try it for $2 while I partook in foot/leg massage and pedicure for $4 total. What a steal!

*

Of course, I've already posted the traveling Tuk Tuk video on Asian adventure. It's a rather "safe" version of traffic in Phnom Penh as most of the time it didn't appear quite as tame as the video portrayed.

*

That's it, my love. Amidst the hundreds of pictures and these videos, you will one day have a better glimpse of how this phenomenal trip shaped mommy's life. It humbled and warmed my heart, and from this day on, I have a deeper appreciation for the world that surrounds you and me...

Love,
Mama

Asian adventure

2011-04-05T06:03:00.032-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Just over a week has passed since returning from our once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Well, I hope it’s actually not a one-time-deal because I fell in love halfway across the world. When I look back at the photos detailing our gallivanting explorations, the nostalgia numbs me already. And it’s hard to imagine not revisiting Cambodia, especially with Uncle Daron and Aunt Kirstin still living abroad for a couple more years. The sights, the sounds, the smells. Where do I begin?

It all began with a "little" trip. Indianapolis -> Ann Arbor -> Detroit -> Chicago -> Seoul, South Korea -> Phnom Penh, Cambodia -> Sihanoukville, Cambodia -> Phnom Penh -> Siem Reap, Cambodia -> Seoul > Chicago -> Detroit -> Ann Arbor -> Home Sweet Home = Approximately 64 hours of travel time. My brain hurts just thinking about how you survived that, with only a meltdown here and there to liven up the trip!

Let’s start with some offbeat memories of this wildly fun Asian journey…

- The Korean flight attendants were immaculately dressed with such poise and elegance. It quite possibly makes North American attendants look a bit dismal.

-Sesame Street and Nutrigrain bars. This got us through some tough times.

- Black, white, silver, and gray cars lined the streets in Seoul. And most people dressed in black. Color felt sparse in this city, but it was nonetheless beautiful, in a monotone kind of way.

- Quirky Korean children’s programming. Catchy tunes and animated colors stayed in my mind for days. And you were hooked.

- The toilet paper used as napkins. Enough said.

- You eating fried rice. Then, you not eating fried rice. You eating mangos. Then, you not eating mangos. You were not a consistent eater. And you lost your baby belly. All of the above saddened mommy. (Well, not when you actually ate. That was heavily praised.)

- The natives’ jaws, eyes, and expressions once seeing you. This blond-haired, blue-eyed girl was like no one they’d ever seen…or so it appeared. In turn, their discovery spawned kisses and cheek nuzzles and attempts at kidnapping you, I’m certain.

- Koreans taking pictures of you. Cameras, cell phones…their photographic minds. I’m pretty sure we were just a part of your entourage. So, now that we’re back home, how does it feel to not be a celebrity anymore? (Sniff.)

- A meal consisting of 30+ dishes in Korea that left me overwhelmed. When the server kept bringing more dishes, I’m sure my appetite became less…and less…and less.

- Touring a Korean market saying, “I’m just looking,” to which one woman retorted, “You’ve already found.” Touché.

- The black trash baskets beside toilets in Korea. “Please discard your used toilet paper in the basket rather than flushing down toilet.” Need I say more?!?

- Fire extinguishers everywhere at the Korean palaces. I could probably count 20 at a time within view of one spot. Fires don’t stand a chance in Seoul.

- Our traditional Korean costumes. We looked so good they wanted to take pictures of us. Oh, that was part of the package? Well still, we rocked the look!

- Daddy’s phrase, “It’s the Monan of Seoul.” (Referring to a long pedestrian path similar to our Monan trail in Indy) He likes to make phrases like that. It sounded quite similar to a past phrase regarding Des Moines when he said it was “the Seattle of Iowa.” Good one, daddy.

- Koreans and Cambodians wearing masks on their face. Protecting themselves and protecting others. From sickness to pollution to the latest style-trend, perhaps.

- Your emesis on the plane right before landing in Phnom Penh. And then again at the airport. It’s a wonder you had anything to eject, considering your lack of intake at times. Poor love!

- Your instant curls. Humidity in Cambodia provided you with much-adored curly locks. And a rather sweaty head.

- Traffic with no rules. Stop signs without stopping. Left turns on red lights. Driving down the opposite side of the road. (And no, this isn’t the UK.) Sheer madness albeit we survived, and I can’t deny enjoying the thrill of it all.

- Motos with 4-5 people. There just may be no limits. I’ve been told babies sometimes ride in the front baskets. I’m glad I didn’t see this.

- Stray cows and dogs. They seem abandoned as they grazed and lazed by the side of the road. I practically could’ve touched them from my Tuk Tuk.

- Bird’s eye view at Uncle Daron and Aunt Kirstin’s apartment was fantastic. We could see so far and so much. So much that we saw a dog poop on a canvas with dried food on it. I know the culture is different, but hopefully this is not considered a delicacy.

- Smoothies. I won’t even begin to elaborate on how addicted some of us (Leland) were to these delicious refreshments. Okay, so I definitely sought out a smoothie every chance I could, too. And I thought of Grandpa Ted every time I relished a coconut one.

- Catching up with Dan Lanctot and Kristin Buller. It was quite fun to hang out with daddy’s old roommate and his wife. At our last dinner with them, it was too bad that mommy looked like an Avatar. Her eyes decided to welcome engorgement for approximately 1.5 days, causing embarrassment and avoidance of the subject. Except with family, of course. They were probably sick of me asking, “How’s it look now?”

- The hotel-owned beach in Sihanoukville. Pure paradise, if you ask me. The heavily-visited-tourist beach in Sihanoukville. Not so paradise-y.

- Your water-soaked diaper booty. When we decided to conserve the swim diapers, we found out what happens when you wear a regular diaper into the pool. It quadruples in size. Swim diapers are now even more genius.

- The increase in onlookers as I gave you a naked shower at the hotel resort pool. For goodness sake, a North American baby doesn’t look that much different in the nude, my friends.

- My stubbly legs. So I didn’t shave every day, big deal. Apparently, this heavily distressed a woman at the beach. She rubbed my legs fervently and was ready to pluck my hairs with a string. And 10 no’s in a row didn’t matter. Only walking, er, running away did.

- Cambodian women play in the ocean fully-clothed. Modesty is key for females. I’m sure they were shocked at the cleavage sprouting from my swimsuit. But I’m just a tourist so it’s fine, right?

- Old woman wiping her nose on you at the beach. She tried to pass it off as a kiss to the hand, but I saw what you did, lady. Not cool.

- Toddler boys in Cambodia with no pants on. A shirt was okay. So, no pants meant quick access to the toilet…or road? I don’t know about boys, but yes, men in Cambodia frequently urinated on the side of the road. No biggie.

- The people at the markets. You would’ve thought we had dollar bills stamped to our foreheads. No wait, we’re just obvious foreigners.

- The trees overtaking the abandoned temples at Angkor. I mean, woah! These trees weren’t kidding. There was some serious tree-hugging going on.

- The massages. Be it full-body or nibblin' fish, you can beat my back 'til it's blue, but you can't beat the price.

- Your smile. I just couldn't leave this off the list no matter how many times you wanted to leave it out of a picture. ;)

Whew! I know this letter is laced with a bit of sarcasm, but these memories make my heart smile fondly. I can’t even begin to recollect all of the wonderful sightings, sounds, and smells of this excursion. I can say, without hesitation, that this was one of the most incredible trips I’ve been on, and I’m so delighted that you, daddy, and Leland were my traveling partners in this Asian adventure.

I cannot wait to share more stories with you down the road and simply relive this amazing journey again.

Love,
Mama

P.S. - Stay tuned for some videos I will be posting later on as another look into our grand vacation.

sh'mon!

2011-02-10T20:36:00.007-05:00

Dear Jillian…

Tonight, I couldn’t resist capturing two of my favorite people in action. Daddy: a Smashing Pumpkins guitar hero sporting GC garb. You: a jammy-wearing, rapt, probing, caged groupie of daddy. I’m kind of partial to this scene because a) it defines the norm of our household and b) you are my love-bugs. But really, this family likes to listen to music. To release. To dance like no one is watching. And to jam, of course. Before I started recording this video, I was orchestrating some ever so silly dance moves to your amusement. I’d slither back and forth in my slippers on the slick floor, showcasing a pretty weak version of MJ’s moonwalk, but not for lack of trying to plant a smile on your face. When it works, my idiotic moves feel all the more worth it. So, to my future rock band family: sh’mon!

Slightly obsessed with your toes...

Lovin' your long-ish locks...

Love,
Mommy

made me smile

2011-02-09T15:00:00.004-05:00

Dear Jillian…

Just looking out the second story window from where I sit gives me goosebumps. It’s a bitter sixteen degrees, with icy whiteness coating the frigid scene outside. All I want to do is cuddle beneath a down comforter and nap the day away. You are, minus the comforter. But a knit blanket is nestled in your clutches as your breath purrs softly on this chilly day. Usually, I would do the same. When you rest, I can rest. Because when you go-go-go, I have to, too.

I’ve tried reading while you’re playing. But this turns into frequent interruptions as you proudly thrust a treasured toy under my eyes. I’ve tried eating while you’re playing. But this turns into your incessant use of “eat” in sign language, even though your belly is quite satiated from lunch. I’ve tried to sneak a catnap while you’re playing. But this turns into a full blown mistake when I see you inching towards the fireplace tools, an obvious no-no on your part.

So, as weary as I am, I cannot help but feel rejuvenated to write a letter to you, especially since my last letter is dated over a month ago. I must’ve had some pretty good hibernation going on.

I’ve smiled a lot today, and noticing this makes it worth noting.
To you.

Here are the top 10 things that made me smile today, in no particular order…

1. Your kiss for me first thing in the morning.
2. Seeing that the weather was 5 degrees in Wichita, Ann Arbor, AND Indy.
3. Hearing ‘You Give Me Something’ by James Morrison during my run today.
4. Running just over 4.5 miles with the feeling that I could’ve run longer.
5. Holding your hand while you walked from the gym to the parking lot.
6. Soaking in a hot tub with mellow music playing.
7. A hot cup of chai tea.
8. Starting this letter to you.
9. Thinking of daddy when he comes home from work.
10. This FUN video that pumps up my spirit and makes me proud.

Love you forever and always,
Mommy

patience...peace...positivity

2011-01-05T12:36:00.054-05:00

Dear Jillian…

Two thousand eleven. With the holiday décor tucked away and the grass visible behind the shadows of melted snow, it truly feels like a new year. The winter season hums along as daddy returns to work and you return to daycare. Normality once again cushions our days as does the blog-writing world. Pour moi et mes amis.

The scurry of Christmas is over, but what a delightfully fun holiday it was! With family from Kansas, Illinois, and Indiana, we nestled together under one roof and gazed upon the snowflake flurry as it painted the Earth with a glistening sheen. The adventurers scrambled outside to build the world’s smallest snowman and brave the sledding hill, complete with snowboarding neighbors. The quietude inside captured a few noses buried behind books and crafty hands weaving artistry in a knitted scarf. And goodies to nibble on were scattered throughout to assure that no one experienced sweet-tooth withdrawal. The bustle of domino-playing, fudge-snitching, sled-riding, gift-unwrapping, and babe-slumbering created an overall fantastic holiday weekend full of memories. Here are some photos and videos of your first Christmas as a tiny tot:

#1 ...or... One-year-old ?? That is the question...

You got the biggest kick out of this birthday card we sent Grandpa Stuckey!

Good thing we went swimming at the hotel because you start swimming lessions this weekend! (And isn't the laughter between Uncle Wayne and mommy so silly?)

JUMP! Uncle Wayne, cousin Tyler, and daddy make a splash!

Mommy playing Monopoly with cousin Tyler and aunt Melody. They said mommy was a slumlord. Don't ask... :)

Sitting on the lap of Issy...

And sitting on the lap of Annie...

And sitting on the lap of Melody...

And sitting on the lap of Wayne. (Are you noticing a pattern here?)

Aubrey is upside down! (And daddy's face is priceless...)

The neighbor's enormous snowman...

Our petite snowman constructed by Uncle Wayne, cousin Tyler, and daddy...

...with its snowy top hat!

Go Leah!

Woah Annie!

Yikes Wayne!!

Uncle Wayne and cousin Tyler make a pretty good sledding team!

Getting into mischief already...

Reading with mommy's cousin, Dan...

Now you are upside down! Hmmm...

A sweet photo of you and Leah...

The lovely Lynnae...

Christmas girls dressed in red...

Boxed up and ready to go...

Grandma's loves...

That is a superb bedhead you have there, m'dear...

From Illinois, we journeyed onward to your great-Grandparents’ home. You and cousin Aubrey put on a show with your toothy grins and toddler charm. And I shouldn’t forget that matching sweaters, knitted for you with love by my Aunt Issy, were an extra eye-pleaser. Smiles cascading around the room said it all: you two being together was just plain special.

I think great-Grandpa Stuckey is smitten with you...

Heart-felt, handmade sweaters for you gals...

Wow! You can ride a horsey leg with one arm!

Uncle Wayne facilitates a nice hug between cousins...

Aubrey's won this wrestling match...

...but you counterattack! ;)

Whoever knew kitchen supplies could be so fun?

LOVE...

Now Tyler is upside down. Another pattern? Cousins must be hung from their feet! ;)

Back at home on Monday, I greeted the end of a weekend with a day back at work. ‘Twas a lighthearted day, reminding me once again why changing jobs was a trusted decision for dear mommy. Grandpa and Grandma Showalter had arrived to the home front while I was away, enjoying the company of their favorite granddaughter. A scrumptious dinner at Istanbul Café trotted us off to bed with a full belly and dreams of a gut-wrenching, sweat-pouring workout at the gym the next day. Ha!

The Showalter Grandparents love to workout. Mommy and daddy are fans too so making time the following day was rather agreeable. Plus, shedding the extra calories came in handy due to dining out at Fogo de Chão for lunch. Mommy, you will learn, is not much of a meat eater. Nonetheless, I made the most of this experience, delving into the salad bar to collect all the non-meaty essentials.

The meat market... ;)

Intrigued by the taste of ribbon...

...and excited to get this gift unwrapped!

You are quite the animated story teller with Grandma Showalter!

Reading with Grandma Marty...

...and now it's Grandpa Hollis' turn.

Our yummy vinegar and oil set from Marty and Hollis...

A bookstore gift card never goes to waste. Thanks, Leland!

Go Blue in 2011!

Your grandparents received a digital frame from us. I bet they'll have lots of pictures of...you!

A t-shirt from Cambodia, courtesy of Uncle Daron and Aunt Kirstin...

Cambodian volleyball player...

...and soccer player.

Beautiful Cambodian art...we miss you guys!

Daddy's secret surprise for me was...

...a one hour professional massage. Yay!

The dogs are taking it easy...

Grandpa and Grandma Stuckey rejoined us on Wednesday for a full-fledged love-on-Jillian-by-all-the-Grandparents day. My heart beamed to see everyone together, celebrating the lil’ you that is spunky and charismatic with a touch of stubbornness. Bravo! hosted us for a family lunch, and I couldn’t help but sit back and savor this Season’s slice of bliss. Shared meals, safe travels, and soft hugs galore.

Working on Grandma Sue's new Christms present for you...

Sweetness...

Bravo! for a great family dinner...

Applesaucey mouth...

Yogurty mouth...

And all done! :)

Last but not least, I love to give gifts, and this year was no different. But I received some pretty incredible gifts, too. My artist friends, Gretchen Sommers and Heidi Birky-Goldman, erected amazing art for our home. The portrait now adorning the top of this blog was created by Heidi using photos of you and your beloved toys. It indeed reflects you, Jill-bug, and I can’t help but smile lovingly when I look at it. She designed it as an 11x14 picture for us, and has a collection of similar prints available through her Etsy website. Check it out!

I picked the artwork for our dining room from a collection of pieces that Gretchen had previously designed. The ‘Glass Half Empty’ was the choix du jour! She tailored it to my desire and voila!, this beauty blankets my wall with intrigue. Naked wall no more!

(Click images to enlarge)

Whew! Longest letter EVER (!!!), and fantastic ending to 2010. And now, as 2011 begins, I pray for three simple things.
Patience.
Peace.
Positivity.

And I pray these things for you, too. Happy New Year, babe...

Love,
Mommy

and all was right with the world again

2010-12-15T11:47:00.012-05:00

Dear Jillian…

My little bookworm. You just love to tote around a book. Your proud posture shouts, “Look at me!” You randomly flip through the book pages, babbles and jabbers trickling out from your tiny mouth. An occasional nod of the head cranks its way out, too. And you usually sneak a peek at me for affirmation. “Are you watching me, Mommy? ‘Cause I’m doing BIG things.” No worries, m’dear. There’s no hiding pride here.

Yes, we’ve had a cheerful morning together. (For the most part...) I knew the morning was off to a good start when you easily devoured a yummy breakfast of Cheerios, ham, cheese, and grapes, washing it down with a splash of Vitamin D milk.

Afterwards, we brusha-brusha-brushed your toofers, that is, whenever you allowed the toothbrush to creep into your tight-lipped mouth. You enjoyed staring and pointing at the girl dressed in pink with blue jeans and untamed hair. In the mirror, she laughed back at you and tucked her head against the mommy's chest, suddenly bitten by the shy bug.

From the bathroom, we ventured into the nursery. You proceeded to walk laps around the room as if in a huge hurry to be someplace though I know you just wanted to be amid Caesar and myself. Later on, I retreated to the study to place a few phone calls, but not without hearing your weeping wail when I left your side. You chased after me, your shoes pounding the hardwood in frantic fury. But once you spotted me, an ear-to-ear smile emerged on your tear-stained face, and all was right with the world again. When I started talking on the telephone, your chatterbox mouth caused the gal on the other end of the line to ask about you. “She’s 13 months,” I replied with a sheepish grin since I could barely hear her due to your incessant prattle. Nevertheless, I completed my phone errands, and with Caesar at foot, we returned to the nursery for some final play before naptime.

Morning naps are hit-or-miss these days, but today, your rubbed eyes and sprouting crank-factor beckoned for one. With a quick check of the diaper, your dryness signaled a quick getaway from the changing table which, for whatever reason, you seem to loathe.

Once in your crib, the waterworks cut loose, complete with clenched eyes and a wide open howl. I cocooned you into a blanket and blew you a kiss. Your eyes hollered, “Why are you leaving me?” With classical music strumming from the radio and daylight spilling through the window, I wondered if it would be enough to soothe you. As I scooted Caesar out and exited your room, the crying had already stopped by the time I closed the door. A still silence enraptured the space.

And all was right with the world again.

Sleep tight, sweet girl…

Love,
Mommy

Getting her book ready...

...so that she can read to me!

Peek-a-booing behind the big book...

Caesar's having fun, too...

A temper flare when you can't pick up the book...

...but you're quickly back to all smiles!

Taking time out to give Caesar some love...

a taste of 2010

2010-12-12T21:02:00.029-05:00

'Tis the season for party mix making and sugar cookie baking. The annual Christmas letter is finished, and there's a new twist. We've added photos to this blog entry to showcase what a fun-filled year it’s been for our family. Cheers, and enjoy a taste of 2010 for the Showalters...

Family dinner at Fleming's in Indy to ring in 2010...

Celebrating a daughter and niece reunion in Wichita at Wayne and Melody's home...

Daron and Kirstin taking the family for a walk on the Monan Trail in Indy. We're so excited to visit Cambodia in March 2011 to see them!

An exhausted Jill-bug after a busy night at the MYF Chili Cook-Off and Auction...

Rachel has a Peyton Manning sighting at least once a year. Here he is at the Final Four games in Indy...

Soaking in the excitement of a hometown team at the Final Four!

Way to go, Butler Bulldogs!

Jillian's child dedication at FMC...

Enjoying a beautiful evening at Kate and Nik's wedding in Pittsburgh...

Great-grandparents of Jillian that are such special people to us...

8 years together on June 1st!

Holly and the Hollywood Hills...

A lil' California babe...

The beloved MYF group on our DOOR Hollywood trip...

A "taste" of the Santa Monica beach

Something we do best together: laughing!

Summer swimming at the JCC...

Rachel's final day at Riley Hospital for Children, and she got a high-five from the Colts' mascot, Blue!

Jillian's Grandpa and Grandma Stuckey visiting Indy to hang out with her!

Symphony on the Prairie featuring music of Michael Jackson. Jillian danced very well to help make Hollins' birthday a festive one!

When Rachel and Hollins hosted an 80s party for their friends turning 30 this year, they had no problem breaking it down!

Posing for pictures prior to the Crop Walk with the MYF...

Visiting great friends in Palo Alto...

The backpack carrier (aka peek-a-boo device)...

Atop the San Francisco cityscape...

Touring a fine winery in Napa Valley...

On top of the world at Yosemite National Park...

We made it to Yosemite's Upper Falls!

A birthday balloon for the one-year-old!

Jillian having no problem devouring her birthday cupcake!

Hard to believe it's been a year already!

Delighting in our front row seats at the Michigan football game...

The fearless, walking explorer that we love... :)

oh, shoot...stop

2010-12-07T09:59:00.008-05:00

Dear Jillian...

Even mommies make mistakes. I found this video too hilarious to not post, especially concerning what I mutter under my breath.

Mommy used the self-timer to capture a KU family photo, but didn't realize the video mode was on. Oops!

Finally got the shot I wanted!
Go Blue!

Love,
Mommy

bleed blue

2010-12-07T00:22:00.019-05:00

Dear Jillian…

I am a sports fanatic. Yup, you heard it here first.

Tried and true!
GO BLUE!
K-U Blue!
Butler (navy) Blue!
And the Colts Blue, too!

Does my heart bleed blue? No, it’s just an expression, but I’m sure it would if it could. I just love sports that much. Your Grandpa Ted has always been a sports fanatic. I guess it makes sense then that I’ve followed in his footsteps, with the exception of being a Steelers fan. (Sorry, dad!)

When your daddy suggested that I experience a Michigan football game in person, I jumped at the chance. I haven’t become a loyal Wolverine fan just yet, but daddy’s enthusiasm (or distaste, depending on how they’re playing) rubs off on me quite naturally. I can easily hop on the bandwagon to cheer for teams of my loved ones. Just not the Steelers. ;)

When we visited Grandpa Hollis and Grandma Marty in November, daddy and I joined the throng of maize and blue fans swarming the largest college football stadium in the world. It is a spectacle worth seeing someday, and if your daddy has anything to say about it, you’ll make it to a game by age 5. Unfortunately, Michigan played Wisconsin, and they drove us into the ground. The game was lackluster, and I didn’t even mind being surrounded by a mob of football mavens. We had FRONT row seats in the end-zone! How’s that for experiencing my first MI game?! “I think I could get used to this,” she says with a sly smile.

I'm passionate about sports. Now you know. May you grow up to be passionate about something, Jill-bug. May you feel the excitement and rush that pulses through your being. And may your heart “bleed blue” just a little bit, too…

Love,
Mommy

KU in the NCAA Elite 8, 2009...

Rockin' Chalkin' it...

The Jayhawks...

You were just 5 days old...

...when my family watched over you so I could go to my 1st ever Colts' game in 2009 and witness a victory over New England-- 35 - 34!

NCAA Final Four, 2010...

Go Bulldogs!

Our front row seat at Michigan stadium, 2010...

The marching band...

Quarterback touchdown!

Field goal coming my way...

Caesar dreams of bleeding blue... :)

Uncle Leland is an Iowa Hawkeye, sporting a tissue turban...

Your Michigan gear, courtesy of Showalter grandparents...

Your Jayhawk gear, courtesy of Uncle Leland. Guess what you'll be wearing today for the KU basketball game... !!!

losing your "babyness"

2010-12-06T23:31:00.007-05:00

Dear Jillian…

Nearly 13 months. Part of me swells with joy over your newly mastered walking skills and the jibber-jabber that dribbles out of your mouth. And the rest of me realizes that you, unfolding into the tiny tot that you are, is a significant change that is hard for me to squeeze. Losing your “babyness” tugs at my heart strings a bit. But you are nearly 13 months of finger-pointing, tooth-grinning, grape-squishing, boot-clomping, head-nodding, block-holding, cuteness-beaming fun!

Just over 32 years. A ripe age in motherhood, and I couldn’t be happier. My birthday consisted of a busy-bee workday that eventually slowed down to a steady buzz. Baby triplets provided ample cuddling time for me. But triplets are triplets, making for a lively day. I returned home to huggable Holly and jovial Jilly, and you two topped off my day with lots of love. And yes, I have some gratitude to extend to family, friends, and strangers alike for helping me feel extra special.

• To Daddy: For scripting such a lovely birthday card that I wanted to read over and over…
• To You: For everything that you are because you are my beloved…
• To family and friends: For showering me with well wishes throughout the week…
• To Coco Chanel: For Allure, a perfume I can now indulge myself with…
• To Esmeralda: For sharing a piece of your Swedish garden with me in an elegant leaf ring…
• To the triplets’ Mother: For calling me your angel while I helped you and your beautiful ones wholeheartedly for two days…

I am just over 32 years of love-sharing, kiss-planting, baby-bonding, hubby-hugging, advice-giving, bangs-wearing, letter-writing tenacity! And I wouldn’t have it any other way, babe…

Love,
Mommy

Lil' love muffin...

your secret language

2010-11-30T21:33:00.002-05:00

Dear Jillian...

Time is slipping through my fingertips. My treasured letters to you have been put by the wayside for travels, work, and simply catching up on rest. Oh, and not to mention chasing after my trotting tot. There are handfuls of life’s moments that I want to share with you, but again, I need to bear patience and know that the time will unfold for me to write. One of these days…

Here’s a beloved video to bide my time for a bit longer. My heart laughs as your Grandpa Hollis and Grandma Marty share in your secret language and buoyant giggles. Chuckle away…

Love,
A 32-year-old Mommy tomorrow!

my little walker

2010-11-18T16:50:00.003-05:00

Dear Jillian...

Look at you, my little walker! L-O-V-E.

Love,
Mommy

you vs. Cupcake

2010-11-17T20:20:00.005-05:00

Dear Jillian...

The tenth of November. A fête! Your Birth Day. It was a perfect day to have a simple, intimate celebration with your daddy and I. Oodles of hugs and kisses. A scrumptious night on the town for dinner. Witty Dr. Seuss books, courtesy of Borders. And your first sugar feast, courtesy of The Flying Cupcake.

Mmmmm. The Cupcake's chance of survival was nearly over once you sunk your lil' "toofers" into it. Squishing the moist cake between your fingertips was perhaps as much fun as tasting the sweet buttercream on your tongue. We delightfully enjoyed this sporting match between you vs. Cupcake. You were triumphing over the Cupcake, hands-down, until...the inevitable sugar coma. Your devouring nature diminished to turtle-speed, and a heaviness glossed over your eyes. Just midway through, and we had to remove the opponent. 'Twas a bonafide tie.

Jillian: 1.
Cupcake: 1.

But remember, there's always next year for a rematch...

Love,
Mommy

Playing with your birthday balloon...

All smiles at dinnertime...

Helllloooo, Cupcake...meet my mouth...

This is a cinch--I could go all night...

Wait! What's that funny feeling in my tummy?!

False alarm--I've got it under control...

Oy! Getting full...

Do I have something on my mouth?

one year in time

2010-11-17T20:02:00.006-05:00

Dear Jillian...

One year in time. An exuberant, joyful, yet slightly mischievous gal. These photos soak in the very nature of you.

Here's to wondering what the next year will bring...

Love,
Mommy

God gave me you

2010-11-10T04:33:00.009-05:00

Dear Jillian…

Here I am, in the wee hours of the morn, trying to find the perfect words for you. They probably won’t surface at 4:30 in the morning, but I’ve come this far. My OCD behavior has kept my eyes glazed and wincing at the computer box’s glaring light. Caesar lays a few feet away in a deep sleep full of burbles and snores. My mind pauses as I squint at the ceiling, hoping for enlightenment. Again, I’m probably too sleep deprived to capture the true essence of what today means to me in this letter. The year has come full circle, and I don’t know whether to beam a proud maternal smile or curl up into a corner and cry. You, my sweet babe, are almost 1 year old. In just under an hour, it will be 5:06 AM, chiming the grunt of my final laborious push and the howl of your entrance under the bright, white lights. In just under an hour, you will no longer be my infant child, but my ever-changing, growing-up-too-fast, love-you-to-pieces tot. And in just under an hour, I will hopefully be asleep, dreaming of your beloved Birth Day.

Last night, I started piecing together a video montage of the photographs taken whilst in California. Needless to say, it was rather simple albeit the music selection was, ahem…not. While daddy was downstairs watching a film, one could find me gadding about my musical library to orchestrate an appropriate accompaniment to the video. Aggravation 101 taught me a lesson; not all of my music was accessible for the video. Grrrrrr. Attempting to edify myself on HOW to do this was going to put me in an unwanted time crunch. Suffice it to say, the early morning hours have kidnapped me despite trying to avoid unnecessary delays in finishing the video. Double grrrrr. Alas, I’m usually doomed to finish what I’ve started, regardless of the hour.

It is finished. Amidst email reading and ‘Parenthood’ watching with daddy and bathroom breaks, it is done. There must be a disclaimer though. You rarely smiled in any of the photographs. As to why, I don’t know because you absolutely LOVED the Kelty back carrier and its many jaunts through the city and countryside. And a majority of our pics are with you in the carrier and yet a glimmer of enjoyment is hard to unlock from your sweet lil’ self. Just know that you had lots of fun gallivanting through San Francisco and Napa and Yosemite. The plane trip, on the other hand, is a story for another time. :)

Enjoy, m’dear…

Happiest first birthday, Jillian Kaye! I am delighted to be your mama, and even more elated to have you as my daughter. Sometimes I can’t say everything I want to say, but my thoughts are often bursting at the seams with love for you. God is so good because a year ago, God gave me you…

Love,
Mommy

hello world

2010-10-23T20:43:00.004-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Two days ago, you managed to climb atop the bean bag in your nursery to look out the window. Am I surprised? Not one bit. Before I know it, you'll be climbing out of your crib like the lil' monkey that you are. Adventurous, persistent, daredevil you!

Hello world...

Looking out the window accompanied by giggles...

Looking out the window accompanied by music...

Love,
Mommy

balloon

2010-10-21T08:52:00.004-04:00

Dear Jillian...

A couple of days ago, we visited the veterinarian's office with Caesar. The vet and her assistants were quite enamored with you. As a special departing gift, they gave you your very first balloon. Needless to say, it was a pure delight for you.

So proud of your newly acquired treasure...

Holding on tightly...

Is it still there?

Balloon + Jillian = Happiness!

Love,
Mommy

heighten your senses

2010-10-19T16:17:00.012-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Music is a staple in my life. I’m certain that I inherited the passion from my father. Your Grandpa Ted collected volumes upon volumes of music, and I grew up in Kansas surrounded by melodic magic right in my very own living room. I’ve written about music before. Its influence has levitated me from my young, uninhibited days to my adult-ish, reserved days.

Music is incorporated into my day in various forms, from singing inventive songs to you to inhaling long and cavernous breaths while listening to my zen song each day. I also have my “dance while no one is watching” moments and my “dance while everyone is watching” times, too. The latter is on very rare occasions, but it happens. Just ask mommy’s fellow friends that attended the 80s party we hosted. The rock star inside me was unleashed once Chaka Khan’s first bedazzled notes popped from the boom box. There was no going back. The rather shy, reticent me danced. By myself. In front of everyone.

Embarrassing now when I think about it? Slightly. Worth it? Absolutely.

One of my favorite pastimes is to listen to NPR’s All Songs Considered. One could say that being introduced to new, vibrant, or poignant music is a hobby of mine. I’m often found scouring iTunes for new musical treasures, and I can polish a pretty penny or two when I get on a roll. Yes, I’ve dropped $$$ more often than I’d probably care to admit when I discover an irresistible harmony or infectious beat. But NPR’s program does the work for me. Aha! It’s a classic win-win.

This podcast accompanies me on my nightly walks with Caesar. The show’s host, Bob Boilen and Robin Hilton, uncover some great discussions on podcasts such as The Oddest Musical Pairings to Best Opening Tracks Ever and so much more. The podcast that sent me straight away to iTunes was entitled Listeners Pick 2010’s Best Music (So Far). I had to snatch up a few songs without hesitation. Here are the four that scored:

Do the Astral Plane by Flying Lotus (From: Cosmogramma)

• I love the beat. If I can have fun stepping in sync to the beat while walking the dog, it’s a winner in my book. What a fun compilation of sound and vibes.

Rill Rill by Sleigh Bells (From: Treats)

• This song has become a perfect ‘driving down the highway with the sunroof open’ kind of song. I just sing along and watch the world pass by.

Zebra by Beach House (From: Teen Dream)

• This is one of my faves, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the slightly odd melody of the refrain or possibly that the lyrics mention the beautiful black and white horse. In any case, I was immediately hooked.

The High Road by Broken Bells (From: Broken Bells)

• I first heard this song in February, but sadly forgot about it. So glad to have it in my repertoire again. The opening part is quirky and cosmic, which then settles into a mellow strumming of vocals and drum tapping. Then, the two integrate, creating a big ol’ smile on my face.

If you’re even a hint of mommy’s girl, you will adore music. It will quiet your gloomy moments. It will bounce upon your gleeful self-expression. It will guide your latest dance moves.

And it will perfectly heighten your senses…

Love,
Mommy and the zebras

P.S. …
My present top 10 in no particular order:
Feel free to look up these songs in fifteen years and let me know what you think. :)

1. Buscaré by Si*Sé
2. Cobrastyle by Robin
3. Eighty Steps Away by The Good Listeners
4. Here in Front of Me by Passafire
5. Intermission by Senator & The New Republic
6. July Flame by Laura Veirs
7. Lero-Lero by Luisa Maita
8. Letters From the Sky by Civil Twilight
9. Melody by Kate Earl
10. 1901 by Phoenix

bye bye, leaves

2010-10-18T14:56:00.014-04:00

Dear Jillian…

When daddy and I were first hunting for a home, a mature landscape with copious trees hit the list. The house we’re living in now is quite tree-full. The pros of this outweigh the cons, but not by much. And when the cons hit us heavy, it’s right when all the glorious trees release their grip on the crisp burnt-orange leaves and green-shelled walnuts.

Oy. The dreaded walnuts. No one realizes what a burden they are until your lawn is a dump yard for them. The tedious process of collecting them in a trash bin is enough to send me into insanity-ville. Surprisingly, we had maybe, oh…ZERO walnuts this year compared to hundreds in the past. I suspect the lack of rainfall was a silent blessing for us. However, a mini drought does not stop the insurmountable number of leaves blanketing our lawn. With at least twenty trees in our front yard alone, we have a lovely shaded home in the summertime. (Pro!) But we also have a lot of “friends” to blow and rake and gather come late autumn.

Suffice it to say, we are planning on acquiring help to collect and transport these leaves away again this year. During the first two years of living in our home, we tackled the leaves on our own. All 100+ bags! We’d tarp the leaves, slide them down into a trash bin, and I would so graciously jump up and down in the bin to mash them and make more room for the cycle to start over. By the third year, we sought help from a lawn-care service because I was pregnant with you. Obviously, I couldn’t dance around in the bin for the mere fact that my mischief sometimes led me to topple out of the bin. Daddy would laugh, of course, but I don’t think either of us would find it too funny if I did this while 34 weeks pregnant.

Where's mommy???

Swallowed up in the leaves...
Daddy did an amazing job without me, grinding every muscle fiber nearly each weekend. Mr. Leaf-Blower and I managed to help daddy propel some of the leaves to the corner end of our driveway. Yes, at least I could do this with two feet planted firmly on the ground.

Once we had our massive pile of leaves, a handy gentleman collected them into the back of his truck and whisked them away.

Got leaves? That would be a yes.

Bye bye, leaves.

Grandma Sue with the untouched leaves of our backyard.

And the mighty leaf mound was taken away on the day you came home from the hospital.

Your first day at home, bundled in a sleeper courtesy of where I work now. :)

This past weekend, daddy embarked on another leaf clean-up mission. Mommy helped out with the raking and hauling and photo documenting. And you were spectator extraordinaire from Miss Pack ‘n Play.

Follow the leaf-brick road...

Watching our every move...

Thanks for being so good, m'dear...

...and making sure to leave some slobber on the side. ;)

Just so you know, I do love our road and its high-in-the-sky trees flaunting the most beautiful shades of color. Our home landscape just seems to showcase an extra abundance of God’s splendor when October rolls around…

Love,
Mommy

payback

2010-10-14T04:16:00.004-04:00

Dear Jillian…

I knew this would happen one day. Inevitable curiosity leads to newfound independence and taking matter into your own hands. Or mouth, so to speak.

I love reading to you. You kind of love being read to…for about one minute. Then, the squirmy, wiggly you erupts and you manage to twist yourself from a sitting position to standing upon my lap in a mere few seconds. And the book becomes an object to obtain as you eagerly paw at the pages while I grasp it just out of reach. Our reading becomes frequently interrupted as you and I play this little game a myriad of times before the story is over. So, I’d like to think that you’re not taking any frustrations out on your books, but perhaps this payback was unavoidable.

The babysitter informed us one night of an accident. Your act of scaling the bookshelf to thrust a handful of books onto the ground is nothing new. But we would catch you in time before you manhandled any books to mortality. In the case of this night, you won. The babysitter reported that you ripped a page out of a book. “You’re a child of pure inquisitiveness,” I told myself. “It’s no big deal.”

Daddy and I didn’t realize what book lost a limb until I noticed the page lying at the bottom of the trash can. A pitiful whimper escaped my lips. The crumbled, corner-bitten page is from my favorite book for you. I read this book to you at least twice a week. It’s vibrant colors and simplicity is an instant attraction for you and me. And its message of PEACE is just about as good as it gets.

To Todd: (See picture below.) I truly think this was a random act of the book munchies. She didn’t mean to take a bite out of your beautiful book. I plan to purchase another copy one day, if not more from your intriguing collection. Your book now sits atop the highest shelf in Jillian’s closet, among other books that she won’t be able to reach until she’s approximately 5’9”, which is my height. And the bookshelf holding her books in the nursery is so tightly packed that even I need a hardy grip to retrieve a book. I believe the book family is safe…for now.

And Jillian, I love you with all my heart. But please, please, know that books don’t taste good. It’s not worth the trouble. I promise…

Love,
Mommy

R.I.P., lovely page...

You're still my fave...

squeeze of the day

2010-09-28T15:17:00.004-04:00

Dear Jillian…

I cannot even describe how hard it was to roll out of bed this morning. I could feel the Goosebumps stippling my body during the short jaunt to the bathroom at 4AM. It almost made the trip to the throne not worth it. And being snuggly-wuggly under the comforter = repeated hitting of the snooze button. Nonetheless, motherly duties squandered my moment of burrowing bliss, and I retreated from the bed into my ultra comfy KU sweatshirt, fleece pants, and KU slippers. Notice a theme? I heart my hawks a la Jay, especially on a cool-weather, hot-tea kind of morning.

I scoured the pantry’s delectable goodies for your daybreak dining pleasure. It’s a treat watching you eat, particularly now that you munch on more of what daddy and I consume. Baby food is still a staple in your diet, but I can see that being phased out easily as your taste buds welcome more than the puree has to offer. Your baby teeth love crunching on a cracker or grinding on a grape. The noise, the texture, the flavor. It’s a whole new ballgame for you when it comes to mealtime. I think your favorite is the banana. You say Mama over and over, perhaps confusing it with “wanting more.” Of course, I don’t mind because hearing you say Mama is delightful. But I guess when I hear you calling Caesar Dada and daddy Baby, we might have to work a little harder on correctly correlating the object to the name. But for right now, we think it’s awfully cute.

The clock chirps eight o’clock, and I peek my head into the nursery. You are still fast asleep. I cannot bear to wake my sleeping beauty just yet.

You awaken fifteen minutes later with your baby buffet awaiting you downstairs.

And I think, “Just giving you your first kiss and squeeze of the day makes getting out of bed on a chilly morning 100% easier…”

Love,
Mommy

and so it begins

2010-09-24T14:55:00.013-04:00

Dear Jillian…

And so it begins.

Today marked a few firsts for you. Sadly enough, they weren’t the firsts I was hoping for. In fact, these activities would have been much better if they hadn’t happened for a couple more months. It’s a nice thought, truly, but I know you’re too clever to let that happen. Plus, you’re curious like George, and there’s ALWAYS something to be explored.

The scene:

As I walked to the nursery to check on your playtime, I discovered the first casualties. Mr. Bunny and Miss Block were lying on the other side of the safety gate. They were pitiful-looking friends, victims to your relentless lob. This is nothing new, however. You’ve accustomed yourself to tossing this and that over the gate, delighting in the *bang* of it all.

Your first “crime” was just around the corner. Burp cloths and towels were strewn in front of the dresser. Oddly enough, the dresser drawer they escaped from was closed, and the other bibs and wash cloths in the drawer were untouched. I know they didn’t jump out of the drawer on their own, but it was a solid effort on your part to try and cover up the evidence.

Upon turning around, I discovered your second “offense.” My jaw hit the floor. Scattered across the floor were your books. Precious bedtime stories hurled to the ground without regard. Huh – I guess I didn’t pack those books in tight enough to thwart your mighty grip. And with your notion that everything belongs in your mouth, I certainly didn’t want dislocated pages or gnaw-marks on the books. Thankfully, Mommy 911 rescued them in time and returned the paperbacks to their proper home.

With you, the rightful perpetrator behind bars...

...a mug shot captured your cheesiest grin.

“Sorry sweetheart”, I thought, “this mommy’s a tough cookie to crumble.” (Pssss - Not really though!)

Being behind bars did not slow you down. Your stuffed animal friends were being mercilessly launched overboard. Yikes! Too crowded in your cell, babe?!

In all seriousness, I laughed a lot today and wasn’t really displeased with you. (Although I’m sure the word stinker passed beyond my lips a time or two.) It’s just hard to believe that you are gaining more independence with each passing day. And you’re smart, quickly figuring out that some of your activities gain my attention much faster these days.

I'll have to keep a closer eye on you now, but at least that’s not too hard because you’re rather fun to watch…

Love,
Mommy

this big

2010-09-22T17:20:00.008-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Here's my funny picture of the day.

Look mom! No cavities!

Silly wave - On-demand clapping - Immediate hands up to show how BIG you are

True wave - On-demand clapping - Touchdown?!? ;)

Love,
Mommy

target tease

2010-09-22T11:55:00.006-04:00

Dear Jillian...

A slight drizzle outside this morning curbed my plans for you. I had intended to buckle you into the stroller, leash Caesar up, and take the two of you for a leisurely stroll. Instead, I explored the World Wide Web via Facebook and Outlook and Bing! You were nestled into the exersaucer, a treasured circle of entertainment for you when I seek to have some 1-on-1 time with the web. You bounce, squeal, and zip around and around. All of this is happening behind me while I write “Happy Birthday” on a friend's ‘wall’, catch up on work emails, and search for more information regarding the Target REDcard.

Speaking of Target, I luh-huv this store. It is a Mecca for mommies like me who want a one-stop shop. We don’t spend an exorbitant amount of money there, but it’s enough to make me wonder if we could save a little from our collection of weekly shopping trips. Daddy and I have been debating the REDcard for months. Once I told him my interest soared for the in-store card, NOT the Visa card, he changed his tune a bit. He requested that I research the fine print a bit, and we’d go from there. Well, the fine print is changing this fall season so what I previously knew about the REDcard will be different, but probably just as good. Why? Because there are savings EVERY time. Allow me to elaborate and bore you to tears, sweet Jillian…

Here are the pros:
1. Shoppers will receive 5% off every time the REDcard is used in-store or at Target online. (Added savings to our accumulation of coupons? Check!)
2. Shoppers will receive a 5% off coupon every time 5 prescriptions are filled at the Target Pharmacy. (Mommy now having to pay for her prescriptions and could receive savings? Check!)
3. The REDcard offers a Take Charge of Education program that donates 1% of Target purchases to an eligible K-12 school. (Mommy and daddy already excited about sending you off to North Central one day? Check!)

Here are the cons:
1. High APR (Great credit scores and history of paying our sole credit card off on time? Check!)
2. Another credit card (Mommy willing to do the legwork for this card? Check!)

Enough about the REDcard; let’s get back to you. After my playtime on the computer, I enjoyed a little playtime with you. Today, this is also known as teasing you with my camera. You stretched out your arm, pointed your finger, and your face said it all – “Can I puh-leeease have that???”

Maybe when you’re older, m’dear…

Love,
Mommy

Just a little harmless teasing... ;)

autumn equinox

2010-09-21T23:30:00.007-04:00

Dear Jillian…

Tomorrow is the autumn equinox.

Crisp leaves sway with tinges of rust and gold. The scent of a Crockpot, filled with warm, creamy soup, wafts around the corners of the kitchen. A football game flashes a replay of the game-winning touchdown. The fireplace crackles with cadenced, dancing flames. A sunset glows and falls behind a brisk, breezeless nightscape.

This is what excites me about tomorrow. Past reflections of why I adore autumn days. It's also a fresh season to harvest new memories with you. You - bundled in your fuzzy coat and knitted hat. You – learning to walk and run and be free on your feet. You - frolicking in a HUGE leaf pile. You - celebrating your first Birth Day, right in the middle of it all.

Tonight, I’m clinging to a tender moment between you and me. ‘Tis a secret to you because you didn’t notice my presence. During my nightly rounding to your room, I paused to watch you sleep. I couldn’t steal my eyes away. The implicit peace and stillness around you held my amorous gaze. Wanting to extend this beloved vision, I retrieved my camera and captured a sliver of your slumbering hours. And with just the right melodic accompaniment, it engraves my heart with a deep, happy sigh.

Here’s to warm cups of soup, play-dates with mommy and daddy in the leaves, and serene sleep each and every night…

Love,
Mommy

Hush a bye baby...

crawling, swinging, eating

2010-09-14T23:02:00.013-04:00

Dear Jillian...

These videos cause my heart to swell with such happiness. I just love enjoying you in all of your moments. Crawling, swinging, eating...you name it. You're one busy gal!

Speedy Jill-bug, crawling at 8 months...

Testing mama's watchful eye by exploring the staircase...

Catching the fresh breeze in a swing ride with daddy...

Mastering Cheerio-eating skills...

What's dinner time fun without a little table music...

Love,
Mommy

big v

2010-09-07T11:48:00.005-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Labor Day. Early morning hours. Really early. Midnight to 1 AM early. And you, me, and daddy together. Awake. Oh, yes. Allow me to unfold the details of this poor, pitiful you…

Daddy and I were watching a movie in the family room when we heard you start to sob. We generally give you 5 – 10 minutes to cry before checking on you, should this happen in the middle of the night and it ever so rarely does. However, since we were wide awake, daddy decided to take a peek on you. A couple minutes later, I heard daddy bellow down from upstairs, “I’m going to need some help up here!”

I scurried to your room to discover that you had donated the Big V (aka vomitus) onto daddy's shirt while he attempted to soothe you in the rocker. I retrieved you from his arms and placed you on the changing table to change your outfit. With a clean, fresh onesie, I placed you into daddy’s arms and went to rinse out your soiled shirt. Back in the nursery, I seated myself beside daddy, both of us trying to coax you back to sleep.

Blllleeecccchhhhh! Projectile style. Big V had returned in true fashion.

Daddy and I exchanged worried glances. And you just looked absolutely miserable and not at all like our carefree, playful Jillian.

Removing your sour-smelling clothing once again, we decided to leave you sans clothes. With a 100.8 F temperature, Daddy elected to cuddle with you inside the bathtub, for fear of Big V’s return plus now the rocker emitted a foul fragrance. While daddy rubbed your back, reclining in the tub, I attempted to remove the slipcover from the rocker without success. (Daddy’s Macgyver-ish slipcover placement was a secret only he could unlock.) Stepping inside the bathroom, I decided to hold you so daddy could remove the slipcover for a washing-machine visit, along with the other various garments. Within a minute of holding you, Big V was unleashed again. This time, my shirt received the brunt of your emesis. Smack down the front side. And you, my wee babe, looked utterly out of your element. I laid you once again on the changing table, swiftly removing my shirt and cleansing you with baby wipes galore. You gazed through limp, drowsy eyes at daddy as I assisted him in removing the slipcover. (Yes, it really was pretty hard to untangle it from the mighty grip of the chair arm!)

A new plan ensued. Daddy cradled you in his arms, retreating to the bathtub. With bathroom door shut, I hastily vacuumed all the brown fuzzy remnants from the slipcover, if only for the notion of you snacking on them come morning time. I assembled the “accident”-proof sheets for your crib and hoisted our own guest mattress into the nursery for myself. I wasn’t going to let you sleep alone tonight.

Back downstairs, I filled one of your bottles with water, hoping to replenish your hydration. When I peered into the bathroom, I could instantly hear your soft gurgles as you snoozed on daddy’s chest. We gently roused you to wake up and drink a few sips from your bottle, but you were just plum exhausted so we didn’t push you to drink more. Big V revisited a few more times before you actually plopped down in your crib, surrendering defeat to sleep. Daddy covered you with a towel, and I succumbed to the guest mattress, looking upon your weary body. It took me some time to fall asleep, but once I did, I slept fairly well. And you did, too.

The next morning, your demeanor was splendid. It was as if nothing ever happened. No trace of illness or fatigue. When you realized I was lying down right beside your crib, you bounded up, pulling yourself against the crib railing and glanced at me through dancing eyes. I couldn’t help but chuckle. Poor, pitiful you was long gone.

Unfortunately, there was still a hint of stench in the room to remind me of that whirlwind night… ;)

Love,
Mommy

blow you kisses

2010-08-31T10:11:00.010-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Every day on my 10-minute drive to work, I bob my head to an iPod playlist, belting out words when I’m really familiar with a tune. This pumps me up for the day, ready to tackle my 12-hour shift of cheering on new mommies and snuggling with wee babes. I occasionally pray in the car, too. I ask for guidance and patience of my hands and feet and a clear mind sprouting compassionate wisdom.

Occasionally, I miss my 25-minute drive to work, if only because it was truly my time; time for myself to reflect on what life has unfolded for me thus far. My prayers were often longer too, but then again, at times I felt as if there was more to pray about while working at Riley. The plethora of families I took under my wing could range from completely competent, cultured persons to off-the-wall, couldn’t-care-less-about-what’s-happening parents. It really was a crapshoot as to what kind of families I would encounter. Sometimes, just praying for sanity was a must. With my new job, I can go with the flow on those hard or busy days, remembering that I’m sharing in a happy, heartening moment of these mothers’ lives and the supportive network embracing them. This alone goes a long way.

Reflecting above on why I love my new job introduces another component that should not be left out. In fact, it weighs heavily on my newfound satisfaction—returning home to you on time. I cannot stress how utterly irritating the lack of this was to me with my former employer. Too many times of getting home beyond 8:30…9:00…9:30 at night was leading to more evenings of not spending time with you and more days altogether of not seeing you awake. As a new mommy, this was especially disheartening for me. And any back-to-back days were my doom.

Now, the latest I’ve returned home is 7:50 PM. On average, I’m home by 7:30 PM with enough time to gaze upon your bright-eyed smile once I walk into sight. We have more than enough time to play and cuddle and have a hugging marathon. It’s enough time to feed you your bedtime bottle and read you stories in the rocker before nighty-night time. And I cherish that it’s enough time to tuck you into your crib, release the radio’s classical music into your nighttime space, and blow you kisses as I close the door. Winning these moments back has meant the world to me. And I think your smiles and laughter reveal it means a lot to you, too.

If I could change anything right now, it would be for you to not grow up so fast. Because you are.

I can’t believe your 9+ month pictures were this past weekend. You, Miss Doodlebug, were all over the place. The poor photographer was chasing you here and there. Daddy and I also had to be rather hands-on to retrieve you back to your proper position. But in the end, it all worked out. Some wonderfully expressive shots of you made the hustle and bustle of it all worth it. I love looking at the photographs and comparing them to your 6-month pics. You’ve changed so much in just that short amount of time, and I think daddy now understands why capturing these 3-month increments are so important to me. Sure, I could doll you up for a homemade portrait session, but the professional captures the finesse and quality that I couldn’t replicate from home. With that said, I’m grateful for Ms. Photographer Extraordinaire in gifting us on Saturday with memories of your 285 days on this Earth. Amen!

I can’t wait for your 1-year-old photos! Oy. Correction. I can absolutely wait, Jill-bug. You are indeed growing up too fast…

Love,
Mommy

you. and daddy.

2010-08-15T19:42:00.020-04:00

Dear Jillian...

You’ve now surpassed nine months. Daddy commented that "you’ve definitely been outside longer than inside." Silly daddy. He always knows how to paint a smile on my heart and face. In fact, he’s become an expert at making me grin and savor happy sighs from day to day. Your daddy is quite the helper around the house – from scrubbing baby bottles to washing, folding, AND putting away laundry to pitching in when mommy is too tired to lift a finger. Your daddy and I happen to share the load of household chores and tasks. I think this is what makes us an effective team, and marriage really thrives on good teamwork. For that, I am fortunate to have such a witty, charismatic, and passionate companion to help nurture you, our beloved.

Daddy celebrated his 30th birthday yesterday! Much to his delight, we dined out for every meal. With daddy, food equals tremendous pleasure. He exercises in order to eat what he wants. So far, it’s working out fine for him because he’s in tip-top shape and can eat whatever he desires. However, I don’t think any amount of exercise, on either of our parts, could’ve prepared us for the extreme satiated experience of this weekend.

Daddy’s tradition for the past couple of years has been to spend his birthday allowance on fine dining at a classy, reputable restaurant. At a French restaurant one year, I actually seized an opportunity to step (no, jump!) out of my boundaries and taste a rather delectable pig appetizer. (For those who know me at all, this is a huge stride in my cuisine exploration!) This year, daddy wanted to try more moderately priced places in order to expand the dining out experience over the entire weekend. Granted, tonight we had to put our feet down and say no! We simply didn’t have the stomach capacity or inner will to down another delicious dish. Hence, daddy’s birthday celebration will carry on into the week, which makes it merrier anyway.

On Friday evening, we picnicked with friends at Symphony on the Prairie. With a chocolate birthday cake on deck, Michael Jackson tunes, and you dancing the night into utter exhaustion, the evening was just blissful. Early afternoon on Saturday, I tried my hand for the first time at a Greek café. Daddy ordered flaming ‘Opa!’, and I was immediately sold. Who knew that daddy would be so impressed with me and my exotic dish of rice and spices wrapped in tea leaves. I still surprise myself sometimes. For dinner, we elected to visit an Italian/pizza parlor where, once again, we returned home with just a sliver of room for more birthday cake.

This morning, we ventured out to try The Original Pancake House with you in tow, attracting attention naturally as your sweet self. I gave you tastes of maple syrup from my fingertip, which you hesitantly yet eagerly curled your lips upon. Daddy finished his plate clean of pecan pancakes while I struggled to even leave half my portion of germwheat cakes. Lesson noted? These places will NOT let you leave hungry. Case in point, our refrigerator is now brimming with leftovers galore. And daddy, the Leftover King, will be in birthday land for at least another week!

Now, as I sit here typing this letter (and secretly thankful that the Mexican restaurant will be on hold for tonight), I continue to be in awe of this amazing blessing in my life. You. And daddy.

The world surrounds each of us with treasured friendships, wholesome families, and kindred spirits. I have valued this weekend, being surrounded by loved ones near and far. Yes, we have birthdays to celebrate and anniversaries to cherish. But we also have ordinary days to find the joys we most aspire to. I hope that you will remember that each day can be remarkable, if not in the events themselves but in the eyes of the beholder…

Love,
Ma Ma Ma

Dancin' machine...

MJ's music at SOTP...

A little too bright for you, blue eyes...

Swingin' babe...

You and your pup watching daddy blowing the leaves...

Your Ma Ma Ma!

Slinking through the grass...

Laughing with Dani... :)

My sunlight child...

just you

2010-07-26T11:16:00.029-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Trying to find a pinch of time to write to you is as hard as trying to motivate myself to run that last ¼ mile when my legs are burning with exhaustion. In other words, I’m struggling. It’s not because I lack the desire to write to you; it’s me becoming overwhelmed, knowing so much has happened in this two week whirlwind and realizing I can’t capture every moment.

Here are the highlights:

One weekend ago, I witnessed love trickling down from generation to generation. We visited your Great-grandparents, Wayne and Billie. Their smiles could not have radiated more affection and adoration for you. Your craving for curiosity kept you crawling right into their outstretched arms. No reservation, no hesitation.

A few days ago, you discovered the walls of your home sans mommy and daddy. Grandpa Ted and Grandma Sue shared diapering+feeding+playing duties, keeping careful watch of your every twist and turn. You didn’t miss a beat even though the hands that cuddled you weren’t as familiar. No reluctance, no wavering.

Yesterday, daddy and I trekked off to run errands, leaving you slumbering in the church nursery. Our friends offered to tend to you once you awoke. Upon returning to church, we were greeted by your toothy, beaming smile as you quietly played with an assortment of toys. Just accepting, just patient.

Just you.

We’ve come to expect and embrace the act of your willing nature to be with those less familiar or unknown. I’ve come to love this quality about you as you easily transition from one new face to the next. And I realize how lucky this makes me as a mom.

~

Teething. This alone says so much. I know it’s terribly uncomfortable for you. I know because when you cry, it’s a different pitch. You become impatient and brash, quickly letting a screeching squeal escape your red-hot face. You gnaw on your fingers, hastily interchanging hands. Your little noggin becomes so sweaty from all your exasperation. Lip-smacking Tylenol usually does the trick. But I prefer good ol’ fashioned TLC.

Crib time is sleep time. You learned this at a very early age, quickly adapting to your space of quietude. This has always been a solid building block for us as parents in helping you fall asleep. We are proud to say that it has worked. But teething presents a whole other ball game. Simply placing you into the crib doesn’t work every time. Our effort expands to the bouncy ball, the rocking chair, or sweet lullabies in your ear.

I relished an opportunity to rock you to sleep this past week. Cradling you against my chest, I hummed whimsical tunes and patted your back in rhythm. Within a few minutes, soft gurgles fled your vibrating lips. I looked upon your moonlit face, cherishing this tender moment. And I rocked you for an hour. Within that time, you switched positions a multitude of times without even opening your eyes. I imagined this to be a typical night in your crib, shifting to and fro about your night space. I couldn’t help but smile, realizing I was learning more about you in this hushed hour than I had anticipated.

~

Last Thursday, you received your first taste of Daycare. Daddy and I were genuinely excited for you, despite our disappointment over losing your nanny to Pennsylvania. Gratefully, Robin carried you through your early months of life and provided wonderful companionship for you. Daycare will be different, but the thought of you socializing and creating a web of friends is comforting.

You didn’t make it through your first day without daddy having to receive a call from a teacher. Oh yes, your inquisitive character was well-represented as you polished the floor due to exploring EVERYWHERE. But your curious nature also plunked you on the floor with a bump on the head after climbing upon a high-chair. Hence, the teacher’s call. But we’re not surprised a bit because this is just you.

Just nosy, jolly, funny you…

Love,
Mommy

God is good

2010-07-09T13:03:00.020-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Tomorrow. Another milestone. 8 months.

You, my bright blossom, are growing so fast. Zippity here. Do dah there. I love watching your little mind wander with your inquisitive hands and feet close behind. You swim in curiosity as soon as you’re free from the clutches of your crib. The toy basket is bound to be emptied with toys scattered by the end of the day. The stuffed animals awaiting your soft squeezes are flailed about the nursery by mid-afternoon. And the child-proof gate will certainly have your eyes and nose peeking over it come morning. Standing behind it, clasping the top of the gate with your tight grip, I am in awe of you. Dancing on tippy toes. Tempting me with your loveable laugh and chubby cheeks. How can I not swoop down and scoop you into a great, big bear hug, nuzzling your neck with kisses?! I can’t resist because just doing so causes an eruption of giggles and wide-mouthed squeals. It is a game we play every day, and it warms my heart. Always.

Daddy and I have enjoyed our recent excursions to the JCC pool with you. With swimming two times under your belt, you are quickly becoming accustomed to the cool, blue waters. Your legs excitedly kick once submerged, and the buzz of children around you provides instant amusement. Daddy loves to play peek-a-boo, diving underwater and springing up, splashing a surprised look on your face. And you love to glide on the water surface with a paddle board beneath you, sliding along the bouncy waves. Your favorite part of the pool may be the kiddie corner though, complete with sprinkling fountains and gushing jets of water. You’ve exposed your face a time or two directly into the streams of water. We could only chuckle as you repeated this immersion, enjoying the spray of droplets tickling your face. Capturing these moments with you is just dear to us.

As I think about the upcoming change in my life, I realize how much it suits me and my desire to be a well-balanced mommy to you. I will be transitioning to a new job in postpartum/newborn nursery in just over a week. With only two more working days at Riley Hospital, it saddens me to let go of the amazing co-workers and companions that have befriended me and carried me through some tough days at work. These incredible women will be hard to beat and missed often, but I’m hopeful to stay in touch.

This new job has my heart racing with excitement. Working with newborns. Working with first-time mommies. Working with second+third+fourth go-around mothers. And I get to work in the hospital where you were delivered! It’s exactly what I’ve been looking for, and because I achieved this opportunity that so graciously landed in my lap, I cannot help but reflect that God is good. One door closed and another door opened. God has again provided for this family.

By God’s hand, Jillian, you are and will be forever nurtured and loved whole-heartedly…

Love,
Mommy

in person

2010-07-04T07:32:00.005-04:00

Dear Jillian...

In light of this weekend full of quietude and unadulterated relaxation, I miss you. Daddy bundled you into the car for a trip up north to Ann Arbor last Thursday evening. Sans me, of course. I had to lay low at home due to working on the Fourth of July and not wanting to cut the trip short for you two. It was Grandma Marty’s 60th birthday, after all, and what better gift to give then time with her one and only granddaughter!

Alas, when the phone rang at 5:30am this morning, I had to chuckle. I was called off of work for the first four hours. And I’d be surprised if the other eight hours weren’t canceled as well since no children want to stay in the hospital when they could watch flashes of color zip, bounce, and spray across a blackened sky. (One day, it’ll all make sense to you.)

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t nice to have the house to myself -- coming and going as I please, taking untimed naps, curling up with my latest novel, and performing some heavy-duty, spic-and-span household chores. But I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t miss having you here.

It was odd to not secure you into the car seat for a routine shopping excursion. Or to not warm up your bottle as you eagerly eyed the ever-desirable feast. Or to not tuck you in at night without checking on you once more before retreating to bed myself. Or to not shower you with a hundred kisses, which is a minimum daily requirement for me.

I will get to love on you again today. In person.

After seeing you and daddy on Saturday via Skype, it fashioned a feeling I’m sure your Grandparents experience every time they see you on the computer screen. Seeing your lovable face is fantastic, but it’s not as fabulous as hugging+snuggling+giggling with you. In person…

Love,
Mommy

P.S. – This was daddy’s note for me. So sweet.

Hollywood

2010-06-21T17:33:00.023-04:00

Dear Jillian...

You are a trooper! What babe could fly to LA, have her schedule all tangled, tolerate a web of traffic jams, receive hugs from twenty different people, endure a face-plant in the sand near the Santa Monica pier, and still share a big smile at the end of the journey?!? You were quite adaptable to the busyness of this past week, and for that, I’m rather enamored by you. But I’m not the only one.

The church youth adore you, too.

Their instant, beaming faces radiate a fondness for you each time you enter a room. Their outstretched arms beckon to embrace your sweet self. Their cameras capture the myriad of expressions you exude. Their “ooohs” and “ahhhs” confirm my already swelling feelings of affection for you.

And they’re your guardians too, robed with protective eyes and ears.

Mommy and daddy couldn’t be more grateful for these young, inspiring, and creative teens that helped carry you through this week-long journey in Hollywood. (The sponsors were pretty terrific also...)

Some of my treasured moments with you of this past week include:

• Cuddling with you on the plane and feeling your tiny puffs on air on my skin as you slumbered.
• Watching your eyes soak in the vast variety of activity and bustle each day.
• Strolling with you around the city streets alongside endearing smiles from folks passing by.
• Witnessing your first experience with sand and your genuine glee with this newfound element.
• Catching some beautifully innocent moments of you with your new friend, Charlotte.

If we ever doubted that traveling with you would be easy, our doubts were in vain. You are the best lil’ traveler I know, and I can’t wait to continue showing you the world…by foot, by auto, and aero-plane. ;)

Love,
Mommy

Grass-lovin' gal

Curious crawler

Weary one

Thumbs up for Karoke!

Playtime with Abby

Jillian's famous middle name ;)

Charlotte with mommy's volleyball trinket

Jillian and Charlotte

The beloved youth

Sand babe

Jump for Joy!

Daddy and Mommy beachside in Santa Monica

Exploring at Disney Concert Hall

Lil' lady

essence and charm

2010-06-10T15:27:00.014-04:00

Dear Jillian...

I could gaze at these pictures all day. They truly capture your essence and charm.

Love,
Mommy

7 months

2010-06-10T10:38:00.022-04:00

Dear Jillian...

It’s hard to put into words what today feels like. I’ve cried already this morning, partly over a restless night and partly over the sound of your sweet, little whimpers this morning. I don’t even know where to start, my love. There is a twister of thoughts swirling about my mind, and I feel incapable of scripting a cohesive letter to you. But I’ll try.

Let’s brood over the not-so-good aspect of this morning. But I promise I’ll wrap up this letter with joyful thoughts.

Three weeks ago, I started an interviewing process for a RN position within a physicians’ office. I was considering a work related change for some time, and the consistently exhaustive, lengthy hours at work twisted my arm into proactively doing something about it. I was seeking a change of pace, working closer to home, and obtaining more of a routine with normal business hours. And no weekends or holidays was a homerun, too! The initial interview went so well, in my opinion, that I was brought back a week later to interview with the practice’s three physicians. It was a bit intimidating to have each of them lined up behind a table, firing questions at me, but I felt very composed and precise in my answers. I left the interview feeling positive that I was a strong candidate for the position, even despite my limited nursing experience. Plus, the office manager who sat with me during both interviews, repeatedly told me with a beaming smile, “We’ll be in touch! We’ll probably have a decision today!“ In addition, I was supposed to take a quick office exam at the end of the interview. This was overlooked by the office personnel as I made my way back home. An hour or so later, I received a phone call inquiring whether I could return to the office to complete the exam. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out I wouldn’t be receiving this phone call if I wasn’t truly being considered for the job. I scurried back to the office, filled out the exam, and bumped into the office manager on my way out. With you in tow, your smiles attracted ample attention, and I departed once again hearing, “We’ll let you know soon!” followed by a large ear-to-ear grin.

Upon returning home, I noted a new email in my inbox regarding a link to send to my references. Without delay, I began contacting my potential references and forwarding the link. Within two days, four out of five references had completed the survey. I phoned the office on Friday afternoon to inquire whether the position had been filled, especially since I had not heard anything yet. The office manager assured me that the team was still checking on references and I would be contacted either way regarding the job position. I hung up the phone feeling a bit better regarding the job prospect, but wanted to get in touch with my last reference to gently encourage her to complete the survey. Within a half hour of the phone call to the office, all references had responded. My part was done, and all I had left was the dreaded waiting game. But I eagerly awaited next week because I was really hopeful and felt confident regarding the entire process.

Monday went by with no word. Tuesday went by. Very, very slowly.

I couldn’t believe I had not yet heard anything, but I didn’t want to nag them… at least not yet. I returned to work yesterday feeling optimistic that I would be notified. Never did I imagine that I would be turned down. Yes, a sliver of me was leery because I was expecting to hear sooner, but deep down, I thought this position was my match. Here is the email I received:

Dear Rachel,
Thank you for expressing an interest in employment with Community Physicians of Indiana. At this time, we have decided to continue our search for the RN position at CPI - Internal Medicine of Carmel. We are very happy that you have selected Community Health Network to include in your job search and wish you the very best in your endeavors.
Sincerely,
Human Resources

As sincere as this email may be, it punched me right in the stomach. Not only was I not accepted for the position, but none of the six interviewees were either. Wow. I think this alone says something pretty powerful—I just don’t know what.

I discovered this email at a quarter ‘til midnight last night. Daddy had just slipped into bed, but was not fully asleep yet. I broke the news to him, and he wrapped me into a consoling hug. I wept on his shoulder in silence feeling utterly defeated. It wasn’t even all about losing the job, but more about being back to square one and feeling astray on what to do.

I’m still feeling numb this morning. However, tiny bits of gratefulness drift through my mind in that perhaps this was a sign. Maybe this position was not going to be a good fit for me after all. Perhaps it was not meant to be. Here lies the confusion. I believe I saw multiple signs from both the office manager and the physicians that I was being heavily considered. I genuinely felt this could be a great opportunity for me because Riley has not felt like a suitable fit for me. Was I way off base? Did my references not “have my back”? Did my lack of experience cut me short as have other opportunities I’ve been interested in? I don’t know if I’ll ever gain the answers to these questions. For now, I’m simply trying to RELEASE these ill feelings, move on with this day, and find joy in the unknown.

As mentioned before, I cried this morning over the tumultuous tornado of thoughts, spinning through my head. But I also wept for you.

You, baby girl, are 7 months old today. You are crawling (aka cruising!) everywhere these days. You are sitting up on your own. You are sprouting teeth. You are entertaining yourself for hours, playing with your toys and exploring the mysteries of the nursery. You are reaching out your hands to mommy when I come nearby.

And when you reached out your hands to me this morning with soft whimpers escaping your lips, I couldn’t suppress my own silent sniffles. I scooped you into a hug and you curled your head against my shoulder. I was in such bliss at that moment that the suffocating thoughts of this morning were stripped away. Your bright, blue eyes melted my heart, and I embraced your tiny, button nose with a butterfly kiss.

I am so incredibly lucky to have you in my life, Jillian. You give me a spark when my zest needs to be ignited. You give me a thread of hope when my troubles need mending. You give me a smile when my heart needs to be reminded of Life’s goodness. You. Are. Amazing.

In honor of your 7-month birthday, I’m sharing some clips of you. The first showcases you as a wee babe practicing some arm curls with daddy at just a few days old. The second captures your perfected crawling ability at just a few days shy of today.

As mommy is seeking God’s grace to help carry her through Life’s journey, may God give mommy the strength to help carry+watch+love you through your journey, too.

Love you always,
Mommy

P.S. - I received this email an hour after posting this letter. It is from the office manager regarding why I wasn't hired for the position.

Rachel,

I really was pulling for you. You were my first choice. If it makes you feel any better, I did not hire the other candidate either.

Rachel, the determining factor was your experience level. We just feel you need a little more experience and time to grow to be able to move into an independent position where the providers are going to be relying on you to make the best choices for the patients. You will need to be able to seek out answers on your own without being overwhelmed and stressed due to a lack of experience. This will come with time and with growth and experience in your field.

I could see that you have a warm, loving, soft, special quality about you and that makes for a great nurse. Give it some time and learn from your more experienced co-workers and mentors, and in a few years you will be able to work anywhere you wish.

I hope I get the opportunity in the future to work with you.

Best wishes,

Mary

If anything, it confirms what I've come to believe about myself: I can try to do anything I set my mind to--sometimes it just takes time. :)

rollercoaster ride of emotions

2010-05-21T14:32:00.014-04:00

Dear Jillian...

I’m overdue. My love letters to you have put by the wayside. I’ve endured a rollercoaster ride of emotions this month. It’s been a rather turbulent ride. I’ve been wrapped up in some incredibly ecstatic moments. And I’ve unwrapped some terribly agonizing moments. You’ve been my rock through it all. My beautiful, bubbly, bouncy babe is my fortress and strength this month.

You turned 6 months old on May 10. I wanted to smile and laugh and cry, all at the same time. You’re half way to a year’s age, and I am baffled by how fast the time has whizzed by. I just can’t say you’re my lil’ peanut because now you’re more like my lil’ pumpkin. :)

The adjectives I would use to describe your present nature are:

chirper,
squealer,
leaper,
napper,
seeker,
taster,
explorer,
cooer,
hugger,
grinner,
grabber,
&
soon-to-be crawler.

Whew!—I don’t know how I’m going to keep up with you by next month.

This week, two little hard spots sprouted in your mouth. Da-da-dummmmm. Teeth are making their debut on your bottom gums. Alas, you were not down with this plan from the get-go, alerting mommy and daddy that this was NOT okay…or, at least the corresponding pain was a no-no. Your first night was a tear jerker, for both you and me. It was really hard to hear your anguished cry and see gigantic tears squirting down your tomato-red face. You weren’t you. Thankfully, your fingers and your new friend, acetaminophen, pulled you through those first couple of days. Your teeth are continuing to emerge, but it’s not near the heartache (or toothache, I should say) that initially started off this week.

My struggles this month have revolved around my job. It’s wearing and tearing me down lately. Coming home at 9PM or after is not an option I’m on board with anymore. Often, I feel the workload and hospital politics are not something I want to continue on with either. A change needs to happen for me, and the hardest part is figuring out what it should be. I’m scared of making a wrong (or regretful) decision. It has caused a strain between daddy and mommy, one that leaves a big lump in my throat when I go to sleep. You will one day realize, or perhaps witness, that daddy and mommy will have disagreements and not always see eye-to-eye. Marriage is a work-in-progress, and I hope our dispute will be resolved or work itself out naturally. Soon.

Oy. I don’t want to end on a sad note. Instead, I will reiterate that you’ve been the glue holding this fragile mama together this month. Thanks, babe. The very sight of you quiets my heart. The very sound of you quiets my mind. The very touch of you quiets my soul.

I am so lucky to have you, my sweet girl…

Love,
Mommy

Hillbilly Jilly ;)

Pretty, paper flowers at Kate & Nik's wedding

Entertaining yourself while mommy weeds the backyard

So serious...

Just kidding...So happy to be 6 months old today!

Sweet, lil' you

My mummy

fishies

2010-05-03T22:54:00.012-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Never did I imagine the living aquarium screensaver on our TV to evoke hypnotism or implicit thoughts from you such as, "Can't look away now!" to "What did you say, mommy? I'm busy!" to "Woah...cool!". I could not peel your eyes away for a candid smile no matter how hard I tried. But these pics were simply too cute to pass up posting. Here you are in your various scenes of wonderment:

Take 1...

Take 2...

Take 3...

Take 4...

Take 5...

...And that's a wrap!

It's true. You are in love. With fishies.

And I secretly like to watch you watching them... :)

Love,
Mommy

child dedication

2010-04-27T19:04:00.019-04:00

Dear Jillian...

Grandpa and Grandma Showalter visited us this past weekend, and you were as delightful as ever. This weekend was also your child dedication at church, a testament of our commitment to raise you in a Christian home among friends and family who share the same values.

Here are a few highlights of the weekend:

Grandma Marty is tickled pink by you.

Reading new Good Night book from Grandma.

Your first taste of green food!

Dinner with family at Kazan Japanese Steakhouse.

Grandma giving you a nighttime bottle.

Early breakfast on Sunday morning.

Quiche and mixed fruit - Yum!

Silly shirt head!

Here is what mommy shared at First Mennonite Church:

When we first heard Jillian coined as the “FMC baby”, we just had to chuckle. As it turns out, it’s kind of true. She’s been hugged and cradled by a multitude of baby doters here. She made an extended appearance at the Chili Cook-Off Auction only to tucker out by the end due to ample attention that evening. She’s also the youngest MYF sponsor this year. So, we’d say that she’s had some very positive exposure in this church that we call home.

Today’s child dedication is important to us because we love the community of people here at FMC, and we desire for Jillian to be a part of this Christian foundation. We feel confident and grateful to have Jillian grow up here. She is surrounded by people sharing many different walks of life that find common ground in peace and discipleship. Today, we simply invite you to help continue to foster and cultivate her faith together with us.

Child dedication.

Pastor Ryan holding you.

Dinner with Bitting's.

What a fun weekend! And we're looking forward to many more…

Love,
Mommy